Adoption
adoptee; adoption; adopt; adoptive; family; friends; mother; father; parents; birth-mother; rejection; teenage; stolen; generation; Aboriginal; indigenous; stolen; generation;
Contents
Finding out you were adopted may be a hard thing to come to terms with. When you find out in later life, like in your teenage years, it can be even harder. It might feel like everything in your life has changed and you don’t know your place anymore. People may tell you that because you were adopted you are special, however, you can still have very strong emotions and questions about why you were adopted.
Why does adoption take place?
Put simply, adoption is when a family takes child who has different birth parents into their lives to bring up as their own.
People adopt a child because they want a family. They may adopt a child because they cannot have any of their own, or they may feel they are in a position to make a difference in a child's life.
Birth parents may decide to put their child up for adoption for many reasons, usually because they want their child to have the best quality of life and do not feel they can provide it.
Feelings around adoption
There is no rulebook on how you are likely to feel about being adopted, but there are some things that many young people seem to share at some times when finding out they were adopted, or when they have grow up knowing they were adopted.
- Some feelings of abandonment. The knowledge that your birth parents gave you up for adoption can bring up feelings of rejection. "Why didn't they want me?" or, "Wasn't I good enough?" are some of the questions these feelings can bring about. This can have an effect on different aspects of your life. Some people find they have problems in their relationships. They may think people are going to abandon them again and so find it harder to trust or get close to others.
- Low self esteem can result from feelings of inadequacy. During adolescence many young people go through an identity crisis, which happens due to changing roles and beliefs as you get older. If you find out you were adopted during this time, it can make this transitional period even harder to deal with.
- If you did not know you were adopted you might have feelings of betrayal. This is a normal reaction to such unexpected news.
- Feeling like you don't belong. If there is no resemblance between you and your adoptive family, you may feel like you don’t fit in. Feeling as if the family sees you as different can also cause problems with relationships within the family.
Coming to terms with adoption
Dealing with issues around adoption is often a life long journey of discovery and healing for some people, while others find it less troubling.
People may say hurtful things without realising the effect it has on you. There can be times when you see things which bring up painful memories or images. For some people these times can be very testing and can affect how they deal with everyday life.
Many people find they can talk to family or friends about their feelings and have them accept sadness, anger and grief. Others find that they want to talk to someone who might really understand, someone else who has also been adopted. It is likely that there are supports for adopted people near where you live. You could start with looking at the resource section below.
It can also be helpful to talk to a counsellor or mental health specialist if your feelings are affecting your life. A counsellor who is experienced in dealing with adoption would be particularly helpful.
If you are feeling uncomfortable talking about how you feel, try writing it down. Getting the things in your head onto paper can be a great relief. To see your thoughts in front of you can often give you a new perspective on what is happening.
For further readings about coping see our topics Loss and grief.
Inter-country adoption
Many people choose to adopt children from foreign countries these days. In Australia, there are more inter-country adoptions than local placement adoptions. When people were born in another country they may look much different to their adoptive parents. Feelings of not belonging can be made greater by these differences. Differences may be confusing and hard to deal with as the adopted person is growing up. Some people may ask insensitive questions just because they are curious and do not understand that the questions may be hurtful. Others may have racist attitudes or make hurtful comments because they fear people different to themselves. For more information see our topic Diversity and discrimination in Australia.
Although differences may be confusing to someone while growing up they can also be a cause for celebration. If you were adopted from a country other than the one you live in with your adoptive parents, your parents may help you to explore and embrace some of your home country's culture or you may do this by yourself. This could be a way for your family to strengthen your bonds with them, or relieve any nervous feelings they may have about your searching. Being an individual and having a varied and interesting background is something to be proud of.
The 'stolen generation'
Since the first days of European occupation of Australia, some Indigenous children were forcibly separated from their families and communities. This became official policy after the meeting of The Commonwealth State National Welfare Conference in 1937. The 'stolen generation' is the name given to the Indigenous children who were removed from their families under Child Welfare Legislation. This topic is too large to be covered in this article. To read more about Indigenous children who were taken from their families see:
Bringing them Home; Report of the National Inquiry into the Separation of Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander Children from Their Families http://www.humanrights.gov.au/Social_Justice/bth_report/index.html
Many adopted young people have lots of questions about their birth parents. Wondering what they look like, what they were good at and most importantly, why they put their child up for adoption? Fantasies about birth parents, both good and bad, are also common.
Sometimes people find searching out their birth parents is a good way to put these questions to rest and move on with their lives. Searching can be a way to gain some control of the situation. Finding out that your birth parents were similar to you in some respects, can fill in some of the blanks and bring about a sense of understanding. There are certain things which should be considered before this search is started, however.
- Have you got a support network in place? Searching can be a very tough process, one that should not be undertaken without some support. Will your family and/or friends help you along the way and should you contact some organisations that could provide additional support and advice?
- What are your expectations of searching? Finding your birth parents will not suddenly fix problems that you have been dealing with for years. It will still take time and healing for these issues to be worked through.
- How much contact will you have with your birth parents after your search? Just as it takes time to get to know a new friend, it takes time to get to know your birth parents. If you plan to only meet up with them for special occasions or holidays, the getting to know you process can take a long time. If this means you don’t feel connected to them straight away, you may experience additional feelings of rejection and loss.
- Consider how your adoptive parents feel about the search. Your adoptive parents can also go through strong emotions due to your search. They too can experience feelings of rejection and loss. Talking to them is the best way to find out and stop any misunderstandings.
- Be aware that there may be many set backs and disappointments along the way. It is possible your birth parents did not make the information available for you to find them. Further issues of abandonment and disappointment can follow. Your birth parents may not fit the idea you had of them, or they may not be alive anymore. Preparing yourself for these outcomes can reduce the impact, but the negative effects of this can outweigh the positives of beginning your search in the first place.
- Searching for your birth parents can be one of the most important times of your life. It is therefore important to choose when you decide to do this. If you have recently been through a tough time or trauma, it may be better to wait for a time when you feel you would be more prepared for the emotions you will encounter. It may be good to put a plan in place and organise the time frame you will search in. You may find that undertaking one part of the search and then having a break before moving on to the next, is a good way to pace yourself.
- Why are you really searching for your birth parents? Is it about finding them or finding more out about yourself? You can use the search for self-exploration and discovery.
Adoption is usually a very open situation these days (rarely hidden). If you think about how many of your friends live in families which are not the 'normal' family situation, you will see that the 'normal' family is very rare these days. It is normal to experience feelings of confusion and loss because you were adopted, but sometimes it is more important to focus on those around you than to look else where for answers. Research has suggested that children who have been adopted do as well in their lives as children brought up in other kinds of families.
Resources
South Australia
References
Adoption South Australia
http://www.dfc.sa.gov.au/pub/default.aspx?tabid=199
The information on this site should not be used as an alternative to professional care. If you have a particular problem, see a doctor, or ring the Youth Healthline on 1300 13 17 19 (local call cost from anywhere in South Australia).