Safer sex
safer; safe; sex; condoms; dams; young; youth; risk; sexually; transmitted; diseases; infections; fuck; fucking;
Contents
This topic is all about safer sex. Safer sex means sexual contact that:
- Reduces the risk of passing on any infections
- Reduces the risk of an unwanted pregnancy
- Is safe emotionally
- Is consented to and is respectful.
Unsafe sex is sex that allows sexually transmitted infections (STIs) to be passed on to another person, or sex that could result in an unwanted pregnancy. No matter who you are, if you're sexually active or thinking about having sex, it's important to have information that will help you make the right choices.
Many young people know that if they are considering having sex, it's really important to make sure it is safer sex. But it isn't always easy, and it can be embarrassing. Some people may be less careful if they've been drinking, and others may forget in the heat of the moment. If you are considering having sex, it is important to be able to talk about safe sex with your partner.
Warning!
If you have had unsafe sex (eg. sexual intercourse without a condom), it is advisable to get medical advice about either having an STI check or a pregnancy test.
- If you could be at risk of being pregnant, the emergency contraceptive pill ('morning after pill') is available from sexual health clinics, doctor, and chemists. It prevents unwanted pregnancy, but you need to act quickly - it works best if started within 72 hours of unprotected sex, but it may work if started within 96 hours. See the topic 'Emergency contraceptive pills' for more information.
- While taking the contraceptive pill protects from pregnancy, it does not protect from STIs.
It is important that you seek medical attention if you have had unsafe sex. A doctor’s first aim is to look after your health and safety and the doctor has to keep everything you discuss confidential, except when keeping the information confidential is a risk to your health and safety.
What is safer sex?
Safer sex means sexual contact that does not involve any exchange of blood, semen or vaginal fluids.
- It means being safer from STIs and safer from unwanted pregnancy.
- It means covering up parts of the body that could be infectious.
- It also means that sexual contact happens in a caring and respectful way, is consented to and no one feels pressured or forced into sexual contact.
Safer activities can include kissing, touching, cuddling and using condoms for sexual intercourse.
We say safer sex rather than safe sex because sex can't be guaranteed 100% safe. The best way to have safe sex is to be in a monogamous relationship (only one partner) where neither of you has sex outside that relationship and where you are both free of any STIs. Some people say the only form of safer sex is to abstain totally (not have sex at all) but most people would see this as being unrealistic.
Note: Even when using condoms for protection or when you only get into safer sex activities, sexually transmitted infections (STIs) can still be passed on. Genital warts, genital herpes and other STIs can be passed on during protected sex (sex with a condom) because the condom does not always cover the affected area. Scabies or pubic lice can be passed on just by very close contact.
A person who has had an STI should not have sex until given the all clear from the doctor.
Being ready for sex
Young people can feel a lot of pressure to have sex. Friends may tell you they're all doing it (sometimes even if they're not). You see it on the TV and in the movies. You might also feel pressured by a particular person. Or you might feel that it's expected of you from a girlfriend or boyfriend.
Here are some things to think about:
- Do you feel ready in yourself? If you're not sure, don't be in a hurry. Wait until you are sure. It will happen when the time is right for you.
- Think about why you want to have sex.
- Are you in a mutually caring and respectful relationship? Will it bring another dimension to an already wonderful relationship? Or is it to look cool to your mates or your friends? Is it to ease loneliness or pain?
- Sex can be an emotionally powerful experience. This means that it can be powerfully positive or powerfully negative. So think carefully about your reasons and your partner's reasons for having sex.
- Talk to your partner about this. The secret to a good sex life is communication.
- How does your partner feel? What are your partner's reasons for having sex?
- Make sure you really know the person so you understand each other's attitudes to sex.
- If your partner's attitudes, values and outlooks towards sex are not similar to your own, your experience may not be what you are wanting. For example, if you are looking for a lasting relationship and emotional commitment and your partner is wanting casual sex only, then one of you is going to be hurt if you go ahead.
- Can you talk to your partner openly about how you feel? Can your partner talk to you?
- It's not always easy, but this is what is needed to make sure you both consider safer sex.
- You need to be at ease with one another so you can talk openly.
- Don't let anyone pressure you - it's your decision, no-one else's.
- Some people will try to persuade or pressure others into sex before they really want to.
- If someone else has a problem with you not having sex, it is their problem, not yours.
- Respect other people's choices about when it's cool for them to have sex and when it's not, and what they are prepared or not prepared to do.
- Don't pressure anyone else into having sex. Listen to what your partner is saying.
- Are you old enough? There are two ways of looking at this. You need to feel mature enough emotionally. There is also the law to consider.
- Are you prepared? That is, do you have condoms ready?
- Just because you share some intimacy, maybe some kissing and cuddling, or go out on a date with a person (even if dinner is bought for you!) it doesn't mean you're obliged to go any further.
- You have the right to say no at any time.
- Your partner has the right to say no at any time.
- Your body is your own and no-one has the right to make you feel pressured into doing anything you don't want to.
- Do you know enough about protecting yourself and your partner from diseases or unwanted pregnancy?
- Do you want to talk to a health professional first?
Safer sex activities
Some safer sexual activities (no exchange of body fluids)
- Massage, hugging, touching.
- Masturbation.
- Social kissing (kissing with closed mouth).
- Rubbing against each other.
- Fantasy (just thinking about sex).
- Kissing the body (clean skin, not sexual areas or open sores).
- Saying no to anything you don't feel comfortable about.
It is often assumed that these kinds of activities are only a lead-up to sexual intercourse. Many people find that these safer forms of sexual activity are more than enough to express their emotions and their love for each other.
Some probably safer sexual activities (there is not likely to be an exchange of body fluids)
- French kissing (open mouth, as long as there are no sores and as long as the kiss isn't so hard it draws blood)
- Sex with a condom.
Some definitely not safe sexual activities
- Anything that allows blood contact.
- Sex without a condom (unless you are in a relationship where you can be sure that your partner does not have an STI, and you are using some form of contraception if you do not want to become pregnant).
- Using condoms that have been used before, or continuing to use one after it has broken.
- If the condom breaks
- Getting body fluids, eg. semen, menstrual blood or urine, inside the body of the other person, eg. vagina or on open cuts.
Negotiating safer sex
Starting a conversation with a partner (or potential partner) about safer sex can be tough.
- It is often difficult to be assertive when negotiating safer sex.
- You could worry about your partner's reaction. You might worry about not knowing how to use a condom.
Many cultures don't speak openly about sex and this can make it difficult because you're just not used to talking about it. People are often brought up differently. Men may have been taught to be more dominant and women taught to be more passive - this can sometimes make it hard for women to take the lead.
None of these reasons mean that you should take a chance with unsafe sex.
When you bring the subject up, it's pretty likely you'll find that the other person has been wanting to bring the subject up too and feels just as unsure and awkward about it. It shows that you respect yourself and it shows that you respect your partner when you ask about safer sex.
The way you start the conversation will depend on the person and how well you know that person. One young woman tells us that when she is with a man she's interested in she's very direct. As they're chatting she asks, "So, do you use condoms?". You could try saying, "This is pretty embarrassing, but I wonder if you get into safer sex?". It is preferable to have a conversation like this before you get to the stage of intimacy.
You may find it easy to be direct or may want to start broadly eg. "Did you know it's Condom Awareness Week? What do you think about condom use?" or "I saw a display at a health centre on safer sex today. What do you think about safer sex?". This way, you will at least get some idea of the other's approach to safer sex. Perhaps you could ask friends for their favourite lines.
If the person doesn't like the idea of using a condom, you have choices. You could:
- ask why and be persuasive about the benefits
- practice other methods of safer sex that don't involve the exchange of any body fluids
- decide to walk away and not take that risk.
Remember, you deserve protection from unwanted pregnancy or an infection.
Common excuses for not practicing safer sex
Here are some of the common excuses for not using condoms that we've heard are:
- "It destroys the romance and spontaneity"
- Ways to get around this are to keep condoms or dams close at hand, like in a handbag; strategic places around the house, or a bedside table. This way you don't have to stop and search for it. (Don't keep a condom in a warm place such as a wallet or car for too long or it will get damaged.)
- You can make putting a condom on or fixing a dam a part of your lovemaking.
- Make it fun by using different types of condoms and lubricant.
- "Hey, I'm not dirty - I'm clean"
- Catching an STI doesn't mean a person is dirty, it simply means the person has come into contact with someone else who also had an STI. They may have no symptoms or visible signs of the infection.
- "I hardly ever have sex"
- It only takes one contact with a person with an STI to be at risk of catching it - a person can have an STI for a long time without realising, and still pass it on because it won't go away on its own.
- "I'm not gay. I'm not an injecting drug user"
- Some people still have the mistaken idea that only gay men and injecting drug users get HIV/AIDS - anyone can get HIV/AIDS.
- Condoms reduce the risk of getting HIV/AIDS and many other STIs.
- "Don't you trust me?"
- Certainly you may trust your partner, but can you trust her previous partner(s) and their previous partners?
- Taking an STI test together can be a very positive experience.
- "I thought we loved each other"
- If a person pressures you this way, and is willing to take these risks with your health, perhaps it's time to rethink what you really want from a lover.
- "But I'm already using contraception"
- Condoms are not only for protection from pregnancy, but also provide some protection from STIs.
- "It's not as good with a condom"
- So maybe sex with a condom on doesn't feel exactly like sex without one - but people very soon get used to it and enjoy sex just as much.
- And because you're both safer physically, you feel better and more relaxed emotionally.
When faced with comments like these, it can be really hard to remain assertive about what you want, even though it is your own safety and perhaps even your own life that is being risked. Acknowledge the other person's feelings and thoughts eg. to "I thought you loved me" you could say, "I do love you and I show you I love you in other ways. Risking our good health doesn't prove our love but keeping each other safe is a way of showing true love." See our topic on 'Assertiveness' for extra ideas.
Persuasion lines to have safer sex
Here are some persuasion lines to have safer sex that we've heard
- Let's stay safe together.
- I know you don't think it'll feel as good, but let's give it a go and see.
- Come on, it can be fun.
- I'll put it on for you.
- I'll last longer.
- I don't want you to fall pregnant.
- I feel embarrassed talking about it too... but it'll be worth it.
- It's really important to me.
- Darling, are you ready to be a daddy/mummy?
- Look, condoms in all the colours of the rainbow... choose one.
- No sex without it babe.
- How do you know I don't have… (an STI eg. Chlamydia).
Too much to drink or carried away?
One reason that young people have said they don't use condoms is because they've been too drunk at the time.
- The best way to avoid this is to not get into an unsafe situation in the first place. Check out our topic 'Alcohol' for some tips.
Another reason people have said they have unsafe sex is that they get carried away in the heat of the moment. That is why it's really important to discuss attitudes to safer sex and make sure you have protection handy well before you both get intimate. Once you've had unsafe sex, there is no going back, and you're left to worry about infections or pregnancy, and go through testing.
If you don't use a condom, you should have an STI check before having sex with anyone else to avoid passing it on. Have the check as soon as possible to stop possible STIs spreading or getting worse.
Risk of pregnancy?
If there is a risk of pregnancy, talk to a doctor soon. Emergency contraception (the 'morning after pill') may be an option. It is best if the 'morning after pill' is started within 72 hours, but it may work if started within 96 hours. It does have some side effects, although these are usually minor (see our topic 'Emergency contraceptive pills').
Resources
South Australia
- Where to get condoms
Supermarkets, chemists, vending machines in some public toilets, The Second Story, Shine SA clinics, the AIDS Council and many community health centres.
- You don't need to feel embarrassed about buying a condom and lubricant, but if you do, try buying them at a supermarket amongst other items (eg. shampoo, deodorant). You can also buy them by mail order.
- The Second Story Youth Health Service (TSS)
- Central: 57 Hyde St, Adelaide
- South: 50a Beach Rd, Christies Beach
- North: 6 Gillingham Rd, Elizabeth
- West: 51 Bower St, Woodville
- Youth Healthline 1300 13 17 19
- Shine SA (formerly Family Planning)
http://www.shinesa.org.au
Sexual Health Hotline - Tel: 1300 883 793
9 am to 1 pm Monday to Friday
Country callers - Tel: 1800 188 171
TTY: 8431 5177
e-mail SexualHealthHotline@health.sa.gov.au
- Clinic 275 (Sexually Transmitted Diseases Clinic) - Tel: (08) 8226 6025
Country callers 1800 806 490
http://www.stdservices.on.net/
- AIDS Council of South Australia (ACSA)
Internet site provides lists of resource agencies, plus links to many other South Australian and Australian organisations, agencies and research organisations.
http://www.acsa.org.au
- Shop Front Youth Health and Information Service, Salisbury - Tel: (08) 8281 1775
- Community health centres
- Your family doctor - if you feel embarrassed, you could see another doctor at the same clinic or at a different clinic.
Australia
General
Lawstuff website - for legal information all states of Australia:
http://www.lawstuff.org.au
Sexually Transmitted Diseases Services (Clinic 275). 'Information for Gay, Bisexual and other Men who have Sex with Men':
http://www.stdservices.on.net/yourhealth/msm.htm
Sexually Transmitted Diseases Services (Clinic 275). 'Safe Sex and Condoms: Essential facts':
http://www.stdservices.on.net/std/prevention/
The information on this site should not be used as an alternative to professional care. If you have a particular problem, see a doctor, or ring the Youth Healthline on 1300 13 17 19 (local call cost from anywhere in South Australia).