Loneliness
loneliness; lonely; social; teenager; isolation; depression; abuse; abusive; domestic; violence; tobacco; cigarettes; smoking;
Contents
Humans are social beings. Without regular and positive contact, most of us feel lonely. Feeling lonely can be a depressing or scary feeling. For some it happens every now and then, for others it can become our most regular friend or enemy!
I'm so lonely!
Everyone feels lonely from time to time. It comes in many forms. It is usually when you have little contact with people.
- It can also be when you feel you have little importance or value in other people's lives, or when the people you are with see things differently from you.
- Some people suffer from anxiety and this can lead to problems meeting people and making friends.
If you feel lonely for a long time, it can bring with it a deep belief that everything is useless and a feeling of isolation - thinking you are separate or different from everyone else.
"I was going through a hard time when I lived alone. I would lie staring at my roof. I'd think to myself, anything could happen to me right now and no one would know. I hated the silence and played my stereo really loud just to feel like I had some company. It felt like I lived in my own silent little box with four boring walls. I seemed that outside of my box the world was happening and I wasn't a part of it."
Jane 23 years old.
Loneliness and depression seem to be very closely linked. Sometimes loneliness can be confused with depression. Depression can also bring about feelings of loneliness.
If you feel overwhelmed with loneliness or depression, talk to your doctor or counsellor.
Making links with others
While there are many things that contribute to loneliness, the hardest thing to do is identify and face how you contribute to your loneliness.
The first thing you might like to ask yourself is what things do you do that keep loneliness in your life?
For example:
- I stay home by myself all the time. I don't go out anywhere.
- I let myself believe I am ugly, stupid, boring and no-one will like me.
- I tell myself no-one understands me; that in fact, no-one will ever understand me.
- I spend all my money on dope/alcohol and then can't afford to do anything else.
- I always get scared and don't try any thing new. That includes meeting new people or doing new things.
- I let other people boss me around and tell me who I am, and what I can do.
- I tell myself I am a black sheep and I will never fit in.
- I think there is something wrong with me.
Once you have looked at what you do to contribute, you can look at the things you might like to change.
- Some people like to write a list or a plan about what they will do.
- Set yourself some goals.
- Think about what you do and don't have control over (eg. you can't change what other people do but you can change what you do!).
- Pin it up. Add to it. Take things away (it is always OK to change your mind).
- Try some new things out. Take a risk.
It can take time and energy to replace 'loneliness' with involvement, and 'isolation' with a sense of community. Loneliness can be a big and overwhelming thing. Big and overwhelming things don't disappear easily - you have to chip away at them bit by bit. Taking off little bits at a time can slowly help you to feel better. Check out our topics Exercise, Creativity, and Employment for some ideas.
More tips
Here are some ideas of what other people have done to change their feelings of loneliness and isolation.
- Developing skills like assertiveness, conflict resolution, negotiation and problem solving can challenge the feelings of loneliness if it has crept into your life.
- Read the topics about these issues.
- If you join a group to learn about these, you will meet people as well.
- Make a list of what is contributing to your loneliness.
- How might you change your relationship with these things?
- How might you build new things into the relationship?
- Remember, you can't change other people.
- Think about the choices you have control over.
- Put your fear aside and take a risk.
- Phone that person you have been putting off for ages.
- Invite a new person over for dinner.
- Go to a party when you are asked.
- If you are experiencing an abusive situation, tell someone you trust. Check out our other topics such as Relationship Violence or Child Abuse.
- If you have been violent or abusive towards others, see our topics on Violence or Relationship Violence. Think about the behaviours that you might choose that build safe, caring and trusting relationships in your life.
- Tell someone you trust how you are feeling. Talk to a trained counsellor - you can do this over the phone without even saying who you are!
- Find groups of people where you hold a common interest. For example, join a sporting club, do a short course, or visit a support group.
- Be open to others' opinions and views. Try and see things from another person's point of view. Remember, you can learn from every person you meet! Let them know you are interested in them (but don't try too hard at first - just be friendly without asking for too much too soon).
- Connect with other people through volunteer work or becoming involved in other community projects. There are lots of people out there who feel just like you! Check out our topic Employment for some ideas.
- Joining in a sport or new hobby can often help - check out Exercise for some ideas.
Overall, think about what is best for you. Take control of what you can. Put energy into the things you can change. Take a risk that will improve your life - move out of your 'comfort zone'.
Help others too!
Do you know someone who is lonely? Do you see Susie spend lunch alone every day? Think about how she might feel. We can all help each other feel welcome and included. We are all part of the one community and we can all help each other.
- Be open to others' opinions, views and ways of living. Try and see things from other people's point of view.
- Allow, accept and celebrate difference. Check out our topic on Diversity and discrimination in Australia.
- Remember you can learn from every person you meet! Let them know you are interested in them and their life.
- Invite someone new to your party or to your house to watch a movie.
- Be aware of how loneliness might feel. Tell others about what you think.
- Show someone that you care. Visit someone you know is lonely. Take them some flowers. Send someone a card or letter.
What else can you think of?
What do you already do?
Isolation
Often we feel lonely because we feel separate or isolated from other people or the community in which we live. There are many different reasons why you might feel isolated or lonely. Here are some examples.
- Physical or geographic isolation can separate you from other people.
- "My partner works long hours in the mines. I don't have a car and I stay at home all day with my kid. We have only lived here for 8 weeks but this town is so far from anywhere else you can't really go anywhere. I used to see my mum or friends almost everyday, but living here I might not see anyone for a few days."
- 20 year old woman.
- Discrimination or harassment because of your sexuality, race, gender, religious beliefs, intellectual or physical ability, or looks can make you feel separate from others.
- "At school I always got teased for being fat. The kids never left me alone. They would pinch my lunch, push me around and call me things like 'lard arse, fatso and dumbo'. At home I'd lock myself in my room. I didn't ever want to go out because I thought I looked so horrible. I thought no one in the world would like me. I didn't even like myself. As I got older my body shape changed but the feeling still followed me. When I met a person for the first time I thought they wouldn't like me and all they saw was someone weak, ugly and disgusting. I didn't bother trying to make any friends. I hated myself and I didn't trust anyone. I was alone."
- Jason 17 years old.
- Moving to a new place can be isolating, especially if people speak a different language or have different customs or cultural expectations to you.
- "It is really hard to make friends because you can't speak the same language. My parents don't let me go out. They don't understand the different culture here in Australia. They are scared for me. It is scary because if something goes wrong, for example a fire at home, you cannot explain the problem to someone."
- 15 year old student
- Lack of opportunities to 'get involved' can contribute. Things like high rates of unemployment, lack of money, having children (being a young parent you may also face undue criticism or judgement) or lack of affordable recreation places in a community can mean you spend most of your time at home.
- "Life tends to get a bit grey after a while, you just sort of sit and you're looking at the same four walls day in and day out. It (your life) just gets smaller and smaller."
- Young Person, Surviving Unemployment Project.
- Living with a controlling or abusive parent, adult or partner can mean that you are forced to stay home, told who you can and can't be friends with, and have your friends or family driven away.
- "My ex-boyfriend would insist he came everywhere I went. When he came he would always do something to embarrass me. He would also tell me lies and horrible things about my friends and family. I was stupid enough to believe him. My friends got sick of me leaving him and then going back. They hated him. Slowly I lost many of my friends and I hardly ever saw my family. I was alone. This made it easier for him to control me and harder for me to get out."
- Michelle 21 years old.
- You can become isolated if you have been removed from your parent by the courts, your parents have divorced or you (or a parent) have moved away.
- "I worked with teenagers who had been removed from living with their parents, usually for child abuse. It would sadden me to see many of these young people trying everything possible to get back to their parents or to be loved and noticed. They would do things like run away, hurt themselves or others and hook up with people who then took advantage of their feeling of loneliness. Other kids lived with their parents but felt desperately lonely because they never felt they were accepted, valued or loved. It made me realise how important it is for all of us to feel like we belong, we are connected to someone and we are a lovable person. It makes sense that the young people that I had contact with would try these things. I admire their strength and spirit."
- Community Health Worker
- The way you think about yourself and other people can lead to isolation.
- You suffer from anxiety. Check out our topic Anxiety disorders.
- You feel you have little to share with others - so you don't bother!
- You don't like yourself - it's hard to believe others will like you if you don't! Check out Self esteem.
- You criticise or judge yourself - we can be our own harshest critics!
- You don't trust people - this can be especially difficult if you've had an experience of abuse or violence. We have topics on these for further information.
- You are embarrassed or ashamed of yourself - you might feel guilty, dirty, ugly or stupid. These feelings tell you that you are not a worthwhile person and that no-one will want to care for you or be your friend. These feelings too can be the result of an experience of abuse, harassment or forms of violence. We have topics on these for further information.
- You feel different to other people. This comes with living in a world where certain 'ways of being' have come to be expected. You might feel isolated if you cannot celebrate or show part of your identity, eg. if you are gay, if you have personal religious or spiritual beliefs, if you have a different skin colour.
- You have a health condition that makes it difficult for you to get out or mix with other people, eg. Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Schizophrenia, ADD/ADHD etc.
What things in your life contribute to your feeling of loneliness?
Loneliness and health
Loneliness can become a health problem when it is in your life for a long time and joins forces with things like:
- depression
- self harming or suicidal thoughts
- drugs, tobacco and alcohol
- anxiety or fear
- anger
- violence
- prostitution
- criminal activity
- mental illness.
These are all things that many of us come into contact with at different times of our life. They become a problem when they become stronger with the help of loneliness.
For example, some people smoke or use drugs or alcohol because they feel lonely. Sometimes it can become something they need all the time.
- Not only can this reduce possibilities of making new friends, it can mean losing the ones they had.
- A turn-off for new friends is the smelly clothes, bad breath and dull looking skin that cigarette smoking can do to you.
- This can lead to feeling lonelier. The vicious circle takes control and they lose control of your life.
Long-term loneliness can become a real health problem for many people.
How does loneliness affect you?
Resources
South Australia
- The Second Story Youth Health Service (TSS)
- Central: 57 Hyde St, Adelaide
- South: 50a Beach Rd, Christies Beach
- North: 6 Gillingham Rd, Elizabeth
- West: 51 Bower St, Woodville
- Youth Healthline on 1300 13 17 19
- Panic Anxiety Disorder Association Inc. (PADA).
Tel: 8227 1044
www.panicanxietydisorder.org.au
- Your local Community Health Centre
- Your local doctor
- Your school, university or college counsellor
- Your local library may have further reading
Australia
The information on this site should not be used as an alternative to professional care. If you have a particular problem, see a doctor, or ring the Youth Healthline on 1300 13 17 19 (local call cost from anywhere in South Australia).