Girlfriends and boyfriends
Relationship; girlfriend; boyfriend; love; sex; domestic violence; violence; conflict;rejection; breaking up; expectations; cigarettes; smoking;
Contents
We have many different relationships in our lives. We have relationships with friends at school, teachers, people we work with, our parents, brothers and sisters. This topic is about our more personal relationships with boyfriends and girlfriends.
Before getting into a relationship
It's important to have good self-esteem before entering a relationship. Self-esteem means feeling good about yourself most of the time. If you don't feel good about yourself and look to another person to fill that gap for you, it can cause problems.
It places a big burden on that person to always make you feel good and it can mean you come crashing down with the slightest rejection from that person. It gives the other person a lot of power over you and leaves you with little power in the relationship. This can mean you do things to please that person that you wouldn't normally do, perhaps things that go against your personal values, thus decreasing your own self respect.
It is important to spend time learning to like yourself before getting into a relationship with someone else.
Having healthy, positive self-esteem means you'll feel more confident in yourself which is an attractive feature to others as well. (See our topic on Self esteem and confidence).
Attraction
Feeling good about yourself means that you are more attractive to others. This is a really important start. But there are other factors that attract people to each other. Some of these are:
- Personal characteristics and traits
. Studies show most people like people who are honest, understanding and sincere, and don't like people who are unkind, dishonest and lazy. Some things like being intelligent or good at sport are valued by some people but not by others. One physical trait shown as important in studies is cleanliness. Smelling of cigarette smoke is a turn off for many people.
- Appearance. Being handsome or pretty does attract many people. But most people take other traits into account. Studies on this say that people who view women or men just as objects, rather than people, are more likely to go just for looks. However attraction in a relationship should be a whole package, not just one feature.
- A feeling of unity with the other person
. We tend to go for people with whom we feel connected - people of the same race or religions, similar looking people, people with similar values and interests.
- People liking us
: If another person likes you, you're more inclined to like that person.
- We like people who can benefit us
: It sounds cold but that's what the psychologists say. An example might be that you like doing things with a person who is good at something you like doing, eg you'd like to spend time with a partner who is good at sport if you like sport.
- The gains outweigh whatever we give up.
You get more enjoyment out of being with your partner than being with your mates, so you can give up some time with your mates.
- We feel more attracted to familiarity
. The more you see a person, the more familiar you become and the more you start to like that person. It's like hearing a song on the radio over and over, you might not like it at first, but you come to like it more as you hear it repeated. So, as an example, you could become attracted to a person you see over and over at a club or at work.
We're all different and all become physically attracted to one another for different reasons because we all have different interests and tastes. Sometimes it's the way a person looks. Sometimes it's based on a good friendship. Similar interests can draw people together. Often it's a combination of all of these. These things are part of initial attraction but a relationship is much more than this.
Attraction to same sex
Many young people are attracted to the same sex for a while in early adolescence. Some continue to feel attracted to same sex people as they get older (gay or lesbian). Others are attracted to both the opposite sex and same sex people (bisexual). You may just know that you're gay, lesbian or bisexual. If you're having confusion around your sexual identity, or want more information, there are people you can talk with to help you work it out. If you know that you are gay or lesbian you can get help to find out more about connecting with gay and lesbian communities have a look at the topic 'Sexuality'.
Meeting people
There is a whole range of places that people meet. Many young people know each other from school or their local community while others meet at work or through friends and family. Common interests often bring people together as people join clubs and meet that way. These days, people are also meeting each other on the Internet. When you meet people it's OK (in fact wise) to be cautious about giving them your personal details (eg where you live) until you really know them well.
Starting a Conversation ….. some pointers
Sometimes people feel shy or just a bit stuck for words after the first g'day. Here are a few tips for going on with a conversation.
- Be yourself.
- Be respectful.
- Try to remember a good joke or two (nothing distasteful or offensive to others).
- Keep up with current affairs so you have topics to discuss.
- A favourite movie, book, recent magazine article or a television program can all be topics of conversation.
- Remember the person's name and use it.
- Try and find out the other person's interests and discuss what you have in common.
- Make eye contact, don't wander mentally.
- Avoid talking about past relationships.
- Avoid telling intimate details about yourself.
- Find out if the other person is available.
- Don't have preconceived expectations - having expectations of a person can mean you're setting yourself up for disappointment.
- Look for positive traits in the other person.
- If you like the traits in the other person, you could arrange to meet again.
- It's OK to excuse yourself if you don't feel you're getting along well.
Meeting a person again
So you've made it past that first conversation and have agreed to meet again. It can be a good idea to get involved in group activities together or double date until you know each other well.
If you've met somewhere like a club or on the Internet and don't know the person well, it's a good idea to meet in a public place and to arrange your own transport. Think about your own safety as well as respecting the other person's right to privacy.
What do people want in a relationship with a boyfriend or girl friend?
Think about what you'd like in a boyfriend or girlfriend. There are some traits most of us would like in a girlfriend or boyfriend. You'd probably like someone who respects you, is considerate, supportive, sincere, loyal, understanding and honest. Someone who accepts you for who you are, not just your best side. We all like similar things in a friend. If most of us like these traits in another person, then, it's pretty likely that other people would like these traits in us. Being respectful, considerate, supportive, loyal, understanding, honest and accepting of a person in a relationship will go a long way towards that relationship being successful and positive.
If a person doesn't treat you in a positive way, think about ending that friendship.
Beginnings
Good relationships often start with good friendships. It all develops step by step. It's OK to take things slowly and think about each step, even though the idea of a relationship can be so exciting it's tempting to rush forward. Be sensitive about where the other person is at in regard to this relationship. Don't rush the other person into anything if he or she is saying, "I'm not sure".
Some relationships might take off and become more serious while in others one or both people find this relationship isn't really right for them.
Is this love?
There are many types of love. There is "romantic" or "passionate" love that is exciting and emotional. The heart beats faster, you feel all aflutter and electric sparks fly when you see the person you love. This kind of love has wonderful highs, but it also has lows that are painful and can almost be described as physical pain. This kind of love can either die out or mature into "mature love" or "companionate love" which is thought to be the kind with real staying power.
Mature love is a blending of friendship, physical attraction, sexual desire, companionship and commitment. The couple are friends and lovers. Both partners really care about each other's well-being as well as their own, they are respectful to each other and themselves, honest, loyal, open, considerate, understanding, accepting of each other and are close physically and emotionally.
Mature love is the type that lasts - but needs hard work to grow and get better. Both partners know that for their relationship to work they need to be committed to the relationship and each other and work together for success.
Getting serious
A good relationship makes you feel loved and supported. You are likely to have similar values and interests. It's OK to have some differences in values and interests as long as you respect each other's differences. You both need space to do your own thing as well as having time to spend together.
It's also important to communicate well if you're getting more serious, so you're both clear about where the relationship is heading and what you expect from the relationship. Both people need to be responsible for self and the relationship, but not for the other person. Both should feel respected and trusted.
Thinking about sex
"Most of the girls in my school say they have slept with guys and I feel that if I go out with a guy he'll expect me to have sex with him."
Comment, High School student.
A young female High School Student asked us:
"What happens if your boyfriend wants to have sex and you don't and your boyfriend's parents wouldn't care if you got pregnant, but yours did, but you really want to have sex?"
The is a topic that might be very useful when you are thinking about this called 'Are you ready for sex?'
Impact of expectations
It's fine to have expectations of a relationship as long as they are realistic expectations. If expectations are unreal, the relationship will run into difficulties. If you expect everything to be perfect all the time there will be times you'll feel terribly disappointed.
Don't expect your partner to know everything that you want - you need to tell the other person, to be able to talk about your feelings, your hopes and dreams. Don't expect your partner to meet all your needs!
If the relationship is becoming more serious - perhaps thinking about living together or marrying, you both need to spend time together, talking about what you both hope for in the relationship and make this clear to each other.
- What are your individual values in life and in a relationship?
- How will you handle your problems?
- What are your goals?
- What kind of life together do you look forward to?
- Do you want children?
- What do you see as your role in the relationship? What do you see as your partner's role?
If you make assumptions about these important things, and your assumptions don't match those of your partner, disappointment or conflict can result. You can ask your partner to meet certain expectations, but that person might have different ideas. Some wise people enter into counselling before marriage so that an experienced person can help guide the couple through these types of questions and considerations.
Getting along without conflict or dealing with conflict?
Sometimes people ask how to get along without any conflict. The nearest answer to this is that the only way to get along without conflict is to avoid conflict altogether. That would mean you'd not ever be able to express your opinions or have a say in anything.
Pretending you're happy about things that you're not happy about is really unsatisfying, both for yourself and for your partner, who will be aware that you're unhappy. Getting along without conflict in your life is not really a realistic option because it means you're avoiding saying what you really think and you're not living your life as you see best. The reality is people will always have differences of opinion and do things differently.
There is a topic about this called 'Conflict and negotiation'.
Relationship violence
Abuse and violence have no place in a relationship.
For more information, see our topic on Relationship violence
Breaking up
If you're breaking up with someone because your interests have changed or you've grown apart, try and be considerate in ending the relationship. Think about how you'd want the other person to act towards you in the same situation.
- Be honest, tell the person what has changed and why.
- Be kind, (there is no need to be nasty - the person will feel hurt already) but not soft (don't get talked into going back with the person just to save his or her feelings).
- Don't get into blaming each other.
- Time it right, eg don't tell the person just when he or she is going through huge dramas such as exams or family problems.
- Continue to treat the other person with respect even after the relationship ends - you may end up remaining friends.
- Be prepared for the person to feel hurt, no matter how considerate you are, he or she will still feel hurt. You might feel sad that it's ended too.
Coping with rejection
Someone has broken up with you. Everyone reacts differently to a break-up. Some emotions experienced are anger, guilt or sadness. Behaviour can include tears, restlessness or having little motivation or energy. It might be difficult to sleep or eat.
It takes time to get over the loss of the relationship. Like any loss, you will go through many different emotions. This is a good time to talk to understanding family members or get in touch with understanding friends who can be there for you to talk to. There are community health services and youth health services around if you would like to talk to a counsellor about how you are feeling.
- Remember, there is nothing wrong with you! Relationships end for many different reasons and one person is not solely responsible.
- Deal with anger in a safe way for yourself and others. It might help to cry. Perhaps it'll help to get into physical activity like bike riding, sport or a long walk (with a friend can be good). Or maybe artistic and creative pursuits will be helpful, like listening to music, playing an instrument or writing down your feelings (then maybe burning it like a ceremonial letting go). Use whatever way works best for you.
- Keep busy on weekends, make arrangements before the weekend to go out with friends.
- Take time out for you, just to relax. Do whatever you find relaxing, be it reading a book, relaxing music, meditation, fishing, sport or whatever.
- Pamper yourself, buy yourself a treat or do something that you really like doing that you don't always have the opportunity to do.
- Don't take on too much in the way of new responsibilities until you're feeling better - you can end up feeling overloaded.
- Take the time to get over the relationship before getting involved again.
Resources
South Australia
- Youth Healthline 1300 13 17 19
- Centacare (08) 8210 8200 - provides relationship counselling and courses.
- Relationships Australia 1800 182 325 counselling and courses.
- Community Health Centres can provide relationship counselling.
- The Second Story Youth Health Service (TSS)
- Central: 57 Hyde St, Adelaide
- South: 50a Beach Rd, Christies Beach
- North: 6 Gillingham Rd, Elizabeth
- West: 51 Bower St, Woodville
Contact TSS via the Youth Health line on 1300 13 17 19,
or for mobile phone callers (08) 8303 1691, normal rates apply.
- ShopFront Youth Health and Information Service (08) 8281 1775 can provide free assessment and referral and counselling.
- The Inside Out Project
Information, education and support for same sex attracted young men under 26 years.
http://insideout.cyh.com
General
The information on this site should not be used as an alternative to professional care. If you have a particular problem, see a doctor, or ring the Youth Healthline on 1300 13 17 19 (local call cost from anywhere in South Australia).