Toddlers - living with toddlers
toddler; toddlers; tantrum; toilet; training; separation; anxiety; discipline; fear; feelings; clinging; behaviour. ;
Contents
Between the ages of one and three years, your toddler’s world grows and changes rapidly. This is a time of many changes for toddlers. The most important development for children in these years is that they become separate, independent people.
Many of the troubles that parents experience with their two year olds stem from children struggling to become independent, and parents not being quite sure how best to handle these challenges. At this time toddlers are still babies in many ways and need a lot of parental love and support. Within a short space of time they can move from being independent and “I do myself” to being very needy and dependent again. They are longing to feel safe and wanting to be free.
The most common cause of problems with toddlers is expecting them to do things they are not yet able to do. Knowing what is happening for your toddler at this stage of development may help you to be more patient and understanding.
Toddlers are
- active and curious - they have to explore, touch, open, shut, throw and empty
- learning who they are and trying out their wills
- learning to be in charge of themselves - learning to walk, talk, feed themselves, toilet train
- learning about living with others - starting to learn how to show love, how not to hurt others, how to share and take turns.
Toddlers are not
- able to understand reason - they cannot understand why we want them to do one thing, and not another
- able to sit still, wait, share or control their angry feelings - they will learn all these things, but they cannot do them well yet
- able to stop themselves from doing the wrong thing - they still need adults to remind them and to keep them safe.
It's
normal for toddlers
- to want to say “No” and to show they have a mind of their own
- to get cross and rebel sometimes
- to not want to share and to say “That’s mine”
- to want to make some choices for themselves
- to find it hard to cope with changes
- to want to be like their parents, eg. try on lipsticks and use parents’ tools
- to want to feel very secure and safe but at the same time to be free
- to not manage and ‘fall in a heap’ sometimes.
Sometimes when they are on the way to learning self control, children will say “No! No! No!” to themselves while they do something that they shouldn’t. They are not meaning to disobey you. They are on the way to learning what they must not do, but haven’t quite got there yet.
Toddlers need
- encoragement
- time to explore
- to be allowed to make simple choices
- to be able to test out their independence and come back to you for comfort
- your patience.
See the topic 'Toddlers - keeping them safe'.
Changes which can cause difficult behaviour
Changes in a toddler’s life can be stressful. A toddler does not have the words to say how he is feeling, so he may show this stress through his behaviour.
Some of the things that can stress a toddler are:
- arrival of a new baby
- being sick
- moving house, or moving into a new bed
- being separated from his parents, eg when a parent is sick, someone goes into hospital, starting childcare or the family breaks up.
- parents fighting, crying or being angry.
Give him extra attention during these times, and let him be more of a baby for a while. These behaviours will go as he becomes more used to the change. Do not use punishment.
What parents can do
Your children need you to help them learn to be independent and feel good about themselves. At the same time you don’t want them to be unsafe or have a home life that is full of battles. Life for toddlers is full of frustration so the smoother parents can make it, the better it is for all.
Toddlers do not need to be forced to ‘be good’. They need your approval, love and affection more than anything else - then they will be ready to accept limits.
Toddlers need to be taught in small simple steps and helped with a lot of practising. Do not expect your toddler to remember every time.
Make your home safe and enjoyable
Protect toddlers from the house and the house from them.
- Make your house as childproof as possible.
- Have as few rules as possible. It is better to put your good things away than to always be stopping a toddler from touching them.
- Make interesting changes every now and again, eg a pile of cushions to climb over, a cardboard box tunnel to crawl through, a cubby house under the card table.
- Make sure that there is a place and space for your child to explore and run every day.
- If children have to go somewhere in the car or wait in a waiting room, take some toys or books to keep them busy.
See the topics 'Home safety'and 'Toddlers - keeping them safe'.
Try some different tactics
- Make up fun games where your child can practise saying “No”, eg “Does Daddy sleep in the bath?”, “Does the cat say moo?”
- Don’t give your child a choice if there isn’t one. For example if you have to pick up an older child from school, don’t ask your toddler if she wants to come, say “We’re going to the school in the car now”.
- If there is something she does not want to do, try to make a game of it. You could say “See if you can hop like a kangaroo to the bath”, or make having a bath more attractive. The use of bubbles, toys or a few drops of food colouring can be fun.
- Distract instead of saying "no" or "stop that". For example "Let's get out the building blocks" rather than "Stop doing that".
- Give simple choices, eg with food and clothes. “Do you want to wear your blue shirt or your red shirt, today?” Some young children find it very difficult to make choices for a while and may need you to choose for them.
Discipline
- Be positive. For example instead of saying “Don’t slam the door” say “I know that you can shut the door quietly, let’s see you do it”. Then give praise for learning a new skill.
- Give clear messages to your young child. If you just say “No”, she may not know what you mean. Tell her exactly what you want her to do in simple words. For example instead of “Don’t jump on the sofa”, try “You can jump on the ....” or instead of “Don’t pull the dog’s tail” try “Stroke the dog this way, it feels good”.
- Punishment does not work for toddlers because they are too young to fully understand that what they did was wrong. Punishment can teach toddlers to be frightened of adults and it does not teach them what they should have done.
- Most toddlers have tantrums - this is a normal part of growing up and becoming independent.
- If your child refuses to come with you and there is no time to use any of the above methods, pick her up and carry her. Don’t threaten to leave her as this is very frightening for young children.
- 'Time out' is when you put a child by herself for a short time to think about what she has done wrong. ‘Time out’ methods of discipline are not appropriate for under three’s as they do not understand what it means. ‘Time out’ can add to fear of separation. If necessary keep your toddler with you for a while.
- Ignore things that don’t matter too much, eg a mess, but insist on important things, eg wearing a seatbelt.
Feelings
Help children learn about feelings.
- Give names to feelings for your young child so that she learns that feelings are something that you can talk about and learn to manage. For example you could say, “You’re feeling sad because Daddy had to go to work”, “I can see you’re feeling very cross”.
- Separate feelings from behaviour. For example you might say “I know you feel cross but you must not hit. When you feel cross you can tell me”. Your child will not understand all of this at first but it is very important learning.
- Read stories that show children with different kinds of feelings - angry, happy, sad, afraid etc.
- Begin to help children understand the difference between their own feelings and other people’s. For example you could say “It hurts the puppy when you hit him, let’s touch him very gently (show her how to do this) and make him feel better”. It takes many years to learn this well but you can start when your child is very young.
Fears
The world can seem very fearful to children of this age, because there are lots of things they don’t understand yet.
They don’t understand:
- that you will come back soon - because they don’t understand time
- that they can’t fall down the plug hole in the bath or get flushed down the toilet - because they don’t understand size and space
- that they can’t lose parts of their body if they are hurt - because they don’t understand their bodies are all permanent parts of them
- that the monsters in their dreams won’t get them - because they don’t understand what is real and what is not.
Things to try for certain fears
- Fears about cuts and bruises. Put a band aid on sores and hurts even if you don’t see the need for it. Try a kiss on the injury first - sometimes that’s all that is necessary.
- Fears about going down the hole. Let your child bathe in a baby bath for a while, or at least don’t pull out the plug while he is still in the bath. Let him use a potty instead of the toilet or let him flush the toilet himself with your supervision.
- Fears about nightmares. If he has a nightmare tell him that “It is only a dream, it goes away, and you’re safe”. Cuddle and comfort him until he settles.
- Fears of monsters. Tell him that there are no monsters. Don’t look for monsters in the room, because he may think that you believe there are some there to look for.
- Fears of separation. Stay with him until he feels more secure. Let your child have his comforter or dummy when he needs it. They help children to deal with fears. Children usually need to keep them until they are three or four years old. See the topic 'Separation anxiety' for more information.
- Fears of the dark. Stay with your child to reassure him. Perhaps use a night light. Let him sleep in the same room as a brother, sister or parent. Keep to bedtime routines, eg the same number of kisses goodnight or the same story. See the topic 'Sleep 2-6 years' for more information.
- Let your child know that you understand he has fears, and you don’t think he’s silly or babyish.
Special Note: It is never useful to force children to face their fears and doing so can often make things worse. They usually grow out of them, with lots of support and understanding. If fears are really interfering with your child’s life talk it over with a professional who works with children. See the topic 'Fears -young children'.
Clinging
The world is very big and confusing to toddlers, and they will have times when they are frightened that their main caregiver will leave them. Sometimes they will not even let their main carer move out of the room without becoming distressed. This is more likely to be a problem if they are tired, unwell or there have been big changes to cope with (such as a new baby or moving home). Toddlers are not able to tell you when they are worried or afraid, so they show this through their behaviour. If clinging behaviour increases suddenly, you need to think about what might have happened for your child (see the topics 'Second baby', 'Children in hospital' for more information).
At times toddlers can seem frightened of people they know very well, even their father if they are mostly looked after by mum. They may be unwilling to go to their grandparents or other close adults. When near strangers, they will often cling until they have had time to check out what is happening, and some will not separate at all for a while.
It may be hard not to feel rejected, or, alternatively, as though you can never get time away from your child because he is always clinging, but this is normal for toddlers, and it will change.
If a toddler is clinging and does not want to go to dad or a grandparent, don’t force the issue or make a fuss.
- Make sure that the child knows that you trust this person by staying close, talking with and doing things with that person.
- You might notice – aloud – that the person is doing something interesting. Your child may watch while staying very close to you. Don’t push the child to go and join in.
- Maybe the two parents could do something together, and the parent who is close can invite the child to join in.
- If it does not work the first time, don’t make a fuss, but try again, perhaps when the child is not tired.
- If the parents are relating well to each other, your child will become close to the other parent again with time.
When toddlers are around strangers, such as at a play group, many will not be willing to move away from their parent until they have had a chance to watch what is happening and what other people are doing. Some children do not move away from their mother for several sessions, while other will be able to start exploring within a few minutes (although they will usually rush back to mother if a stranger approaches them). Children are different in how confident they are in new settings.
Toilet training
Toilet training needs to be relaxed and as hassle-free as parents can make it. The thing to avoid at this age is a battle of wills. Toddlers can easily get upset and have toilet accidents or hang on and not go when they really need to, eg if there is tension or they are busy with something. Keep toilet training positive with lots of “Well done”, “You managed that so well”, “Never mind, sometimes accidents happen”. This way your child will want to cooperate and toilet training will not be difficult. If there are problems, leave toilet training for a while and try again later. See the topic 'Toilet training' for more information.
Reminders
- The most common cause of problems with toddlers is expecting them to do things they are not yet able to do.
- Toddlers are exciting but tiring.
- Remember that it is a struggle for your toddler to learn to be independent. She needs your encouragement and your patience.
- Try to avoid having battles - give simple choices to your toddler.
- Remember that your toddler needs to test out her independence against you, but also needs to know you are there for comfort.
- Focus on the things about your toddler that please you and tell her often!
- Ignore things that don’t matter too much and be firm on the important things.
Resources
South Australia
Children, Youth and Women's Health Service Parent Helpline
1800 364 100
Toddlers A to Z (booklet from Child and Youth Health)
Parenting SA http://www.parenting.sa.gov.au
Written in partnership
Child and Youth Health - Parenting SA
Related Parent Easy Guide (Parenting SA website - PDF format)
The information on this site should not be used as an alternative to professional care. If you have a particular problem, see a doctor, or ring the Parent Helpline on 1300 364 100 (local call cost from anywhere in South Australia).
This topic may use 'he' and 'she' in turn - please change to suit your
child's sex.