Living with teens
teen; teenager; teenagers; adolescents; family; parents; adolescence ;
Contents
Adolescence can be a challenging time for young people and their families. Your teenager is going through rapid physical and emotional changes and parents and teenagers must both make changes in their relationships to adjust to this new stage.
Teenagers go backwards and forwards between wanting freedom and yet still needing the security of the family. Parents want their children to grow to happy independence, yet fear for their safety as they watch them try their wings. Parents have to cope with the fact that the dreams they have had for their children may not come true - for teenagers have their own dreams. Teenagers have to cope with their parents who often don’t let them do the things they so much want to do. A good relationship with your teenager will help you both to weather the ups and downs.
What parents can do - spend time with your teenager
This is often hard to arrange as young people usually want to spend a lot of time with their friends. You may have to be very flexible in order to make sure it happens. Here are some suggestions for special times.
- Mealtimes - if the family eats together, at least on some occasions you can share what happened in your day, what’s the latest news, their ideas and interests.
- Drive them when they need to be dropped off. Offering to drive gives you a good opportunity for time together. Teenagers often talk more easily when not looking at you face to face.
- Bedtime. A visit to their bedroom for a casual chat can work for you both.
- Coffee time. Use a few spare minutes to offer to take your teenager out for a coffee or milkshake (probably at a shop where their friends don’t usually go - teenagers are often embarrassed if their friends see that they are out with a parent).
It isn’t easy to find special times but if you can manage it’s worth it.
Respect their privacy
- Give them some space of their own. Ask their permission to enter their room.
- Don’t go through their diaries or drawers in their absence.
- Don’t pry for information except where it is important for you to know to make sure they are safe. For example, it is okay to ask teenagers to let you know where they will be when they are not at home.
Take an interest in their interests - and share yours
- Try really listening to some of their music and then talk about the words of songs you like best.
- Watch their sport or activities – don’t coach them (unless you are the official coach), but be supportive.
- Watch their favourite TV shows with them sometimes - without being too critical.
- Try sharing something about your work or your interests as you would with an adult friend.
- Share something about your own adolescence (without preaching!) and share a laugh with them about how things have changed.
- Take them to a movie that you would both like (or go to one of theirs and talk about it.)
Listen to them
When young people talk to parents they often get advice, reassurance or a sermon before they have had a chance to really say how they feel. This not only stops communication, it also stops teenagers finding their own ways to deal with problems. The most helpful responses from parents are ones that show interest and open the way for the young person to talk on, such as:
- "How come?"
- "You must have felt..."
- "That sounds exciting...."
Show your love for them
Love needs to be continually shown in order to be felt.
- Tell your teenagers often that you love them (when the time seems right).
- Show your love by touching and hugging (teenagers who say they are too old for hugs will often accept a quick hug before they are fully awake in the mornings, or will like to have their aches massaged after sport).
- Buy their favourite food sometimes.
- Buy something on a shopping trip that says “I was thinking about you”.
- Go out of your way to help them with special projects.
- Pick them up from outings on the other side of town.
- Leave a note on their pillow telling them that you felt proud of something they have done or that you love them (for no particular reason).
Make special memories
Doing special things together can have lasting effects.
- Take one of your teenager’s friends on holiday with you.
- Take the family to a special show you would not usually go to.
- Explore a special place with your teenager.
- Create traditions that are special to your family, eg a special way that you always celebrate birthdays.
- Make sure that your teenager feels a part of the wider family, eg by sharing family occasions. (Many teenagers groan about these for a while but they are also part of their security).
- Make a collection of photographs of family and friends, over their childhood and growing up years, and hang them on a wall.
Have faith in them
- Let them know they are special.
- Ask their advice about something they know a lot about, eg how to program the DVD player.
- Display their photographs and crafts.
- Keep a scrapbook of their special achievements.
- If they make mistakes have faith that they will do better next time.
When teens have a chronic health problem
Many teenagers are living with a chronic health problem such as diabetes or asthma. During their teenage years you will need to help them take over control of their health. It can be hard for parents who have had to manage the issues for their children to withdraw and allow their teenagers to manage their health problem - including letting them make mistakes and letting them talk directly with their doctor or health worker.
For more info about making this transition have a look at the topic Diabetes in adolescents.
Take care of yourself
Parents can feel worn down by teenagers finding out about who they are and testing the limits. This is a normal part of developing into adulthood but taxing on parents. Talk to other parents for support, make time to give yourself some fun or pleasure and let go of winning the ‘little battles’. Giving teenagers a sense of some control in their lives is important for them - and having control of things about safety and health is important to you. Teenagers are often pleased to see parents taking care of their own needs - it sets a good example.
Reminders
- All of the above take time - which is often hard to find! Investing in time will pay back in terms of your teenager’s behaviour and self-esteem and your relationship.
- Teenagers need to know that you love them and believe in them, despite how much they might ignore or make fun of your efforts.
- They need ongoing attention.
- Take some time out from being a parent, in order to be a friend!
- Remember to keep their confidences (even if they don’t always keep yours!).
- Take some time out for yourself. Start thinking about your dreams for yourself when your children grow up.
- Remember also that no parent is perfect and that perfect parents would be very hard to live with.
References
Blum, Robert, "Reducing the risk: connections that make a difference in the lives of youth" in Youth Studies Australia, Dec. 1997.
Marta, Elena, "Parent-adolescent interactions and psychosocial risk in adolescents: an analysis of communication, support and gender" in Journal of Adolescence 1997, 20, 473-487.
Wolf, Anthony, "Get out of my life but first could you drive me and Cheryl to the mall: a parent's guide to the new teenager" US: Farra, Straus and Giroux. 2002
Mahoney, Joseph et al, "Leisure activities and adolescent antsocial behavior: the role of structure and social context" in Journal of Adolescence 2000, 23 113 - 127.
Fuller, Andrew "Raising real people" Camberwell:ACER, 2002.
http://shop.acer.edu.au/acer-shop/product/A964BK
Written in partnership
Child and Youth Health - Parenting SA
Related Parent Easy Guide (Parenting SA website - PDF format)
The information on this site should not be used as an alternative to professional care. If you have a particular problem, see a doctor, or ring the Parent Helpline on 1300 364 100 (local call cost from anywhere in South Australia).
This topic may use 'he' and 'she' in turn - please change to suit your
child's sex.