Parenting and Child Health
Visit Website
Search
Home › Health Topics › Family & Relationships > 
Search Topics
GO


Related Topics

Teen Health

Young Adult Health

Kids' Health

Adoption

adopt; adoption; adoptees; adoptee; sibling; brothers; sisters; family; families; step-mother; step-father; stepmother; stepfather; step-parent; stepparent;

Contents

Adopting a child is one of the most important decisions that you can ever make. The decisions that you make after the adoption, as your children reach each new stage in their development, are also important.

Often adoptive parents wonder whether the way their child behaves is due to the adoption or due to the age and stage he is going through. There is no easy answer to this. Each age brings new challenges and opportunities, as well as new learning for the children about who they are and where they fit in the world. However, what we do know is that with loving support from their families, adopted children do as well in the long run as any other children in the community.

Developmental understanding

  • Children's understanding about adoption grows as they learn about families, relationships and how babies are made. Children cannot properly understand adoption until about age 6 when they understand that babies are created by two adults. But the ability to understand about how a child joined the family, eg from a different place begins at about 4 years of age.
  • Even though younger children don't understand, many experts recommend talking about the adoption earlier so the child hears it in a positive way and so there are no secrets. Children often think that secrets must be bad or people would talk about them.
  • If other people know about your child's background you need to let your child know as soon as you can. It can be very hurtful to children if they find out things about themselves that you have not told them from a cousin or a friend's child. Think about what you need to tell others about your child.
  • You can talk about it when natural opportunities arise, eg when someone is having a baby.
  • Children's interest in their adoption comes in waves. At each new developmental stage when children are able to understand more, they may want information again or more information.
  • It often appears that girls are more likely to want to talk about issues and search for birth parents than boys. This may be because girls are encouraged to talk about feelings more than boys. Make sure that boys get the same opportunities if they wish it, even if they don't ask.
  • Children of both sexes are likely to feel rejected by their birth mothers/families and to wonder why they did not want them.
    • It is very important not to lie to children because this makes them lose trust in you. You may, however, not want to give your children all the details of their past until you are sure they are able to cope with the information.

Preschool children

  • Preschool children can listen to simple stories about their adoption.
  • They may also like some stories about other children who were adopted eg in books.
  • As children get older they can hear about how they were adopted and why the birth parents could not care for them.
  • At around 4, children may ask lots of practical questions to which they need simple information.

Middle childhood

  • Children become more curious in middle childhood, about 7-11 yrs.
  • They may be interested in many details about themselves and birth families.
  • They may feel sad or angry because they realise their experiences are different from others and they may feel they have been rejected.
  • They may feel insecure in the adoptive family, even though you let them know how much you want them and how much you enjoy them (even if there are a few rough times).
  • They may draw wrong conclusions if the issues are not discussed, but sometimes they find the topic too painful to talk about. They may feel more able to talk about someone else with a similar experience eg a story in a book.
  • Make sure you have given children all the information about them that you can before they reach adolescence. This will help build trust and help you to work together through the issues that arise in the teen years.

Adolescence

  • The most important task for parents of adolescents is to keep the relationship going - this will help you and your children no matter what hurdles you face. Think of the things you like doing with your young people and that they like doing with you and make sure there is time for them.
  • If you have to tell your children things about their birth parents that are painful, it might make them feel very hurt or angry. It is important to listen to and understand their feelings but not to join in negative talking about their birth parents, as this may turn their anger against you. Whatever their parents have done, no one except themselves can really understand why they did what they did.
  • If children do become angry with you it is likely to be because they feel safe to be angry with you.
  • Adolescents are working out their sense of personal identity. They may become more worried about who they are and where they belong at this age. 
  • Some young people are more concerned about day to day issues and not worried about adoption issues.
  • Adolescence is a time of great change and ups and downs whether the young people are adopted or not.
  • The challenges that come from young people can make all parents (adoptive or not) feel inadequate at times. Don't take every thing that goes wrong as your fault. On the other hand, don't blame everything that goes wrong on the "genes" or the birth family. Try to keep your sense of humour and to realise that you are not alone.
  • Talk to other parents of teens, adopted and non-adopted, to help get a balanced view on things.

Children's feelings

  • Children, especially young children, may believe that they are to blame for not being able to stay with their birth family. They may think that they did something or that in some way they caused their parents to give them up.
  • Children can build up magical ideas about their birth parents or their adoptive parents, especially if they don't have much information about them.
  • They may believe that their birth mother is really good and their adoptive mother is bad, or that they are children of someone very important.
  • Some adopted children believe that children who live with their birth parents have 'better' families and parents.
  • Some children believe that they have been kidnapped from their birth family and some continue to have fears of robbers or kidnappers.

Parent's feelings

  • It is often hard, as a parent, to know whether your child's complaints, behaviour problems or fears are due to something about being adopted, due to the age they are at, or due to some other stress that is quite different.
  • You can feel hurt if your children say things like "they wish they were not adopted" when they are angry or upset about something. Children when they are angry tend to say hurtful things to show how angry they are.
  • You may feel disappointed or hurt when your children want to know about their birth family. This is not usually anything to do with your parenting or their love for you but a part of learning who they are and where they fit in the world.

What you can do

  • Remember that adopted children usually do very well and that major problems due only to adoption are the exception not the rule.
  • Make sure you keep in touch with other parents, both adoptive parents and birth parents so you can have a better idea of how children behave at different ages and in different situations. But remember that children can have very different personalities as well as experiences so they do not always behave in the same way as others.
  • Reassure your children often that you are very glad you adopted them.
  • Questions need to be answered openly and naturally.
  • Children benefit from finding things out for themselves and parents can support them in doing this, eg help them to write to birth parents or find out about their country of birth.
  • Respect the wishes/privacy of your adopted child and the birth parents.
  • Middle childhood may be a good time to find out more about birth parents if the children wish to.
  • Adolescents may not want to talk about feelings openly. They may be helped by discussing other situations like theirs such as in books and films.
  • Adolescents may be helped by meeting other adopted teens, but don't try to force this if they would rather not.
  • Children can be helped by keeping a life diary of the events including their birth and adoption and a family tree which shows both sides of the family - birth and adoptive. Involve the children in making the book, choosing a name for it and working out what will go in it.
  • Children are more likely to talk about adoption if the subject occurs when they are naturally interested. Do not try to force them to talk about it, just make sure they know that the way is open and that you will not be upset if they ask about their birth family.
  • If they get too much information they may not want to listen. Children need time to take in information.
  • General questions such as "Would you like to know anything else about your adoption?" may get a "No", while more definite questions such as "Do you ever wonder where your birth mother is now?" or "Do you ever wonder whether you have any other brothers or sisters?" may be better to start a conversation. At least the questions tell the child that the subject is OK to talk about.

Adoption of a sibling

Adoption can bring great pleasure to families but there can also be stresses for other children in the family. The reactions of your biological child or an earlier adopted child to the adoption of a new brother or sister vary with the age and temperament of the child.

  • For information about early childhood see the related topic "Second Baby".
  • In middle childhood where children are still needing lots of parental support the reaction can be fear that they will lose their parents and anxiety about what will happen. Anxiety can come from the belief that if other children's parents could abandon them or die, perhaps their own parents could do the same. Some children have nightmares.
  • In adolescence young people may not easily accept a situation that is different from that of their friends and some teenagers can be strongly opposed to the adoption. Some may be unreasonably angry with the adopted child's biological mother.
  • Young adults who have left home are likely to be uninvolved or supportive of their parents' actions.

What you can do

  • Explain clearly (and several times if necessary) about what will happen, what adoption means, and why some parents are unable to care for their children.
  • Reassure children of their own place in the family. Involve them in decision making and planning where possible so they feel they have some control or "say" about what is happening to them.
  • Make sure that, in the excitement of the adoption, there is still ongoing special time with the parents for the older child or children.
  • You may have to help your children with answers for their friends' questions eg "Where is his real mother". You could explain that belonging in a family can be belonging because of love, as well as because of where a child is born. See the related topic "Intercountry Adoption - emotional health" for more ideas about answering questions.
  • Try to see that, if possible, the older children and adolescents do not have to give up what they value for the adoption eg their own space such as a bedroom.
  • Give the other children in the family opportunities and encouragement to say how they feel and to know that you have heard and understand - even if you cannot do what they ask. Remember that questions and doubts may continue for a long time, so make sure that opportunities to talk about feelings are also kept up.

Adoption law in South Australia

  • Adoption is a permanent arrangement and the adoptive parents are the child's legal parents.
  • The main understanding behind the Adoption Act 1998 is that what is best for the child is more important than anything else, and that adoption is for children not adults. A young person over 18 cannot be adopted.
  • If the parents of a child are married, both the birth mother and the birth father must consent to the child being adopted. If they are not married, the father's consent is needed if he is named on the birth certificate, or if a Court has recognised him as the father. The Adoption and Family Information Service assists people who are relinquishing their child as they go through the process of making this decision.
  • Those wishing to adopt have to undergo a very thorough assessment process.
  • Adoption is not usually granted to step parents, relatives and foster parents. An application for adoption involving step parents will not proceed unless the person has been given 'leave to proceed' from the Family Court.
  • All children over the age of 5 years must be interviewed by the Adoption Court and their views considered in the decision making process. All children over 12 years of age must agree to their own adoption, unless there are special reasons why their consent is not needed.
  • Before 1988, parties to an adoption could place a restriction (called a veto) on any identifying information being released to anyone else involved in the adoption.
    • Those people affected by an adoption before 1988 still have the veto right.
  • For an adoption after 1988 there is no right to veto identifying information. After 1988, once an adopted person turns 18 years of age, he is entitled to obtain all the adoption information held at Families SA. Similarly, birth parents are entitled to this information once the child turns 18 years. Adoptive parents may obtain certain information with the permission of the adopted person once the young person is 18.
  • Agreed adoption arrangements, or post-adoption plans, are plans to allow for birth parents and adoptive parents to make agreements about keeping each other informed about some things. Birth parents may, for example, choose to send birthday presents to the child, or to be told in a general way about the child's progress. Such agreements can be reviewed or changed at any time. Once children are able to say what they think about the arrangement, their wishes must be taken into account.
  • For Aboriginal children, the 'placement principle' applies rather than an Adoption Order. This means they can be placed, according to Aboriginal Law, with someone within the Aboriginal community and who has the correct relationship with them.
  • Department of Families and Communities Adoption Services have counselling and support for people applying for their adoption information, and wishing to search for and perhaps contact, other parties to their adoption. Phone 8207 0060 
     http://www.dfc.sa.gov.au/pub/Default.aspx?tabid=199

Finding birth parents

See the section 'Searching for Birth Parents' in the Youth topic Adoption (related topics)

The 'stolen generation'

In the past in Australia, many Indigenous children were forcibly separated from their families and communities. The 'stolen generation' is the name given to the Indigenous children who were removed from their families under Child Welfare Legislation. The issues around this are too large to be covered in this topic.

To read more see:

Resources

South Australia

References

  • Adoption Service of South Australia, Department for Families and Communities.
    http://www.dfc.sa.gov.au/pub/Default.aspx?tabid=199
  • Borders LD, et al. 'Are adopted children and their parents at greater risk for negative outcomes?'. Family Relations, 1998: 47(3).
  • Hughes DA. 'Adopting children with attachment problems'. Child Welfare LXXVIII, Sept/Oct 1999, pp. 541-560.
  • McDonald T. et al. 'The postadoption experience: child, parent, and family predictors of family adjustment to adoption'. Child Welfare, Vol LXXX (1), Jan/Feb 2001, p. 71.
  • National Adoption Information Clearinghouse (US).
  • Phillips NK. 'Adoption of a sibling: reactions of biological children at different stages of development'. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry 69(1), January 1999.
  • Sileo T, et al. 'Heightening educators' and counselors' awareness about adoption: are some children and youth at risk for educational failure?' Counseling and Human Development, 32(9), May 2000.
  • Zeanah C. 'Disturbances of attachment in young children adopted from institutions'. Developmental and Behavioral Pediatrics, 21(3), 2000, p. 230.

Adoption statistics

The Australian Institute of Health and Welfare (AIHW) publishes an Annual Report about adoption statistics in Australia as a whole, and in individual States.

back to top

The information on this site should not be used as an alternative to professional care. If you have a particular problem, see a doctor, or ring the Parent Helpline on 1300 364 100 (local call cost from anywhere in South Australia).

This topic may use 'he' and 'she' in turn - please change to suit your
child's sex.

Health Topics
Parent Helpline 1300 364 100  
Home › Health Topics › Family & Relationships > 

  • Home
    Home
  • Disclaimer
    Disclaimer
  • Copyright
    Copyright
  • Privacy
    Privacy
  • Credits
    Credits
  • Links
    Links
  • Site Map
    Site Map

Last updated: Tuesday 4 August 2009