War and children
war; crisis; conflict; smallpox; fear; grief; feelings; defence; force; safety;
Contents
War and media images of war bring fears and unease to everyone, no matter how far they may be from the conflict. The closer to home the war or threat of war is, the bigger the impact on children and adults. Within Australia, which has so far been protected from close encounters with these events, there is the added impact of the loss of community feelings of safety and security. There is much that parents and other adults can do to help children and young people to deal with the fears and anxieties that war brings. Children and young people need to know that they are safe and that the people who care for them are safe.
This topic is about the issues in helping children and young people to deal with their feelings about war and how best to support them through tough times.
Give information
- Children will pick up on the media images and conversations and feelings of the people around them and the adults they depend on.
- If you do not talk to your children and answer their questions using words they understand, they will imagine what is happening and what they imagine may be worse than the reality.
Protect young children
- It is important to protect young children from the impact of media images and from adult anxieties.
- Young children do not understand the political and values basis for war or peace and respond to what they see and hear and feel.
- Media images can be particularly frightening because young children do not have an understanding of space and time differences and the media brings things close and shows vivid pictures of pain and destruction.
- Young children also do not understand that a repeated image of a particular event is not an image of repeated events – they can think that it is happening over and over again.
- Adults usually want to keep in touch with what is going on. However it is best to watch the TV war news when young children are not around, or listen to the radio which is less likely to distress them.
Be aware of the presence of young children when you are talking about your feelings with other adults as they will be most affected by parents’ anxieties and worries.
Talk with older children
- Older children and young people will be involved in discussion and hearing about war from the media, from their friends and possibly from teachers.
- If they watch TV programs about war, make sure that you are watching with them to talk about issues and feelings. If they seem to be getting over-worried by this, try to limit TV time and involve them in other activities.
- They will have heard lots of viewpoints and information, some of it wrong or out of perspective.
- Children and teenagers can be very vulnerable and fearful and need parents’ support even if they sometimes don’t admit it. Share your feelings and beliefs but try to do it as calmly as possible.
- It will help them to have some understanding of what is happening as well as to be able to talk with you about their feelings
Facts, feelings and values
- Young children are most likely to express fears and to need reassurance that the war is a long way away (if this is true) and that you will protect them.
- Find out about the things your children are worried about, eg germ warfare, so you can give them information in perspective about how likely it is to happen to them and the precautions that are being taken to protect the community. (See Resources).
- Make sure that there is time to be together and listen. Just being with children and understanding their fears helps them to feel better. A hug will give support and warmth.
Family conflict
- Older children and young people will want to talk about values and some may not agree with parents about some of the issues
- Fearful events can be divisive in families and communities and it will help your children if you can find ways through without becoming divided at home. These differences reflect the diverse community views which affect all of us.
- Listen to your children's and young people's values, talk about why they hold them, and then tell them about your values and why you hold them. Differences about values, if not talked through with respect, are one of the things that can cause conflict and this may be an opportunity to help young people understand how this happens.
- If school age children (or younger children who have seen a lot of war coverage) do not talk to you about it, offer opportunities. Choose a quiet time and ask something like "What are you thinking about the war?"
Provide a sense of safety
- Children are helped to feel safe by continuing to do the ordinary everyday things in their lives – mealtimes with parents, walking the dog, homework etc
- Children are most troubled if they are unsure that their parents are safe. If there is real trouble at or near home stay with children if possible.
- Make extra time to spend together as a family regularly.
Provide a sense of hope
- Children need to hold on to their sense of hope and optimism. If you don’t feel optimistic yourself, get support from another adult. Try not to convey it to your children. They need to know that you are OK and they can rely on you.
- Help them to get things into perspective. Wars are terrible but they have happened before, and the world goes on, and everyone has a chance afterwards to try and make a better future. There are many, many people who are working for peace.
- Talk about their everyday plans for the future, both close and further ahead.
- If you have a religious belief, prayer or other activities with your group can help support your children and yourselves.
Children's responses
Children may have different feelings about what is happening depending on their understanding of it.
- Some children may be fearful. With older children talk about the realities – chances of them or their parents being harmed are probably small. Young children need reassurance that you can keep them and yourself safe. If young children cling, especially at bedtime or separation times give extra reassurance and support. Some may have out-of-proportion fears, for example that the war will take over the whole world. Help them to get a proper perspective.
- Some older children and young people may be angry and need to express their feelings. Help them to look at the feelings underneath the anger eg fear or anxiety or powerlessness. Anger is always mixed with another feeling. Help them to find ways to usefully express their feelings eg write a letter, help someone.
If young people show excessive anger or depression or hopelessness that doesn’t go away, talk to a health professional about it. Sometimes a crisis like war can trigger another underlying problem that needs help.
Dealing with feelings
- Children deal with feelings through play. Playing out feelings, even war play with pretend guns, is a common response and helps them to deal with feelings of fear and powerlessness. Try not to direct the play except to be sure that no-one is hurt, but be available to answer questions and help them explore their play. For example you could ask how it feels to be the one with the gun and then how it feels to be the victim. Or you could explore with them how else they might solve the problem.
- Provide paints and paper for art work. Many children express feelings through art. If the drawings are violent or aggressive it is best not to criticise but ask the child to talk about the picture.
- Some children and young people express feelings through writing stories or poems.
Something to do
Being able to do something helps with fears and stress. Some possibilities might be:
- join a peace group
- write support letters to Defence Forces
- write a letter to your local member of parliament
- get to know and support a refugee family or children
- send food to a refugee family
- give money or pocket money for aid to victims of war.
Defence force children
If war touches children personally they will be much more affected and need more support. It is very important for the parent who is at home to have support at this time as well.
- If the family is away from usual supports and networks try to keep in touch in whatever way you can. Get together with other parents in the same situation. Arrange some enjoyable things to do with children that are not to do with war eg picnics.
- Reassure children as well as you can. The likelihood of a parent not returning from a war is very low.
- The other parent may need to be especially reliable, eg when picking up children from school etc. and available at bedtimes. If one parent is away children are likely to be very anxious about the other one. Reassure them that the other parent will be there for them.
- Make sure that children have good information about what is happening to their parent.
- Children need to know that their parent is doing something important for his or her country and helping to keep them safe.
- Let the school or child care know that your child may be especially vulnerable at this time.
- Make sure that you have plenty of time to be with your children and do things with them.
- If children are angry about their parent being at war or other people’s reactions it is important to listen and support. Let them know that it is OK to be angry or upset but that you will not let them hurt others or themselves. Children are often most angry with the people they feel safest with.
- You won’t always know the right thing to say or do. Just being there and caring is most important.
Dealing with prejudice
Prejudice, or pre-judging others when we don’t know all the facts is common and even more likely in times of crisis when someone we know or care about has been hurt. Bad things happen but when we generalise from one bad event to whole groups of people we add to the risk of conflict and alienation. Most parents want their children to be able to overcome prejudice and work towards more peaceful communities and worlds.
Set a good example
Children learn from what parents do and say.
- Talk to children about your values and why you hold them.
- Show respect for people with different backgrounds, cultures and views from yours.
- Take part in community events which involve different peoples and where you and your children can learn more about others.
- Support or befriend a refugee family.
- Openly defend people who are victims of prejudice in action or conversation.
- Think about your own values and where they come from – what has influenced you to believe the way you do.
Get information
- If there is a particular group of people for whom prejudice is a problem in our community get correct information about the group from a library or reputable website.
- Find out the similarities and differences between those people and yourselves and the reasons for differences.
- Share this with your children.
- Let your children know that the huge majority of people in the world, from every cultural background and religion want a world that is safe, secure, healthy, tolerant and peaceful.
Take care of yourself
Everyone is affected by war and media images of war and it is normal to be afraid, upset or anxious. It is important for adults to take care of themselves as well as their children. Some of the following suggestions may be helpful, or you may have other ways of coping with times of stress that have worked in the past.
- Find out what you need to know. If you have particular worries use the resources suggested below to get accurate information.
- Keep your support networks. Spend time with the people who are closest to you. Share your fears and worries.
- Keep up your daily activities and routines.
- Use the relaxation methods that work for you – go for a walk, play music, meditate.
- Write down your feelings and thoughts in a journal.
- Don’t feel that you have to watch every bit of news if you don’t want to. Create some war-free time in your home.
- Being able to create some calm for yourself will help both you and your children.
Note: If children or adults are showing ongoing stress it is important to get help. A first step would be to contact your local doctor or community health centre. For Defence families the local Defence Community Organisation (DCO) can provide support.
Resources
- Linke, P. 'Parenting at Home and Away', published by the Australian Early Childhood Association Inc, 2002 (available for $20.95 - Tel: 1800 356 900).
References
National Association of School Psychologists. 'Children and fear of war and terrorism: tips for parents and teachers'. Fact sheet
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (USA). 'Emergency Prparedness and Response': http://www.bt.cdc.gov/
The information on this site should not be used as an alternative to professional care. If you have a particular problem, see a doctor, or ring the Parent Helpline on 1300 364 100 (local call cost from anywhere in South Australia).
This topic may use 'he' and 'she' in turn - please change to suit your
child's sex.