Bullying
bully; bullying; harass; harassment; SMS; e-mail; safe; safety; victim. ;
Contents
Bullying (which is also called harassment) is a form of cruelty that affects not just the bullies and victims, but those who witness the behaviour and the distress of the victim. Bullying is widespread and most commonly found in schools. A very competitive school environment can contribute to bullying. Schools have a responsibility to create an environment where children feel safe and in recent years schools have taken steps to develop policies against bullying.
However children can be bullied anywhere, and adults can be bullies. Bullying can have a very bad effect on the child who is being bullied and on the child who is allowed to go on bullying.
Bullying needs to be taken seriously by adults.
What is bullying?
Bullying is deliberate. It is the desire to hurt, threaten or frighten someone. It can be with words or actions. It can be by one person or more, and can vary in the degree of severity. It can be a 'one-off' incident, but usually involves repeated actions by a child or children. The differences in power make bullying possible.
Bullying can include threatening, teasing, name calling, excluding, ganging up, preventing others from going where they want to, or taking away their belongings. It can be pushing, shoving or hitting and all forms of physical abuse. It includes sending hurtful or scary messages on phone calls, SMS text or e-mails. It can be one or a number of these, however verbal abuse is the most common form of bullying.
It happens at school - in toilets, change rooms, locker rooms and playgrounds. It happens outside school - at bus stops and train stations, on transport, in parks, walking home, at sporting clubs, in fun parlours and at home.
As long as the bullying gives satisfaction and no-one does something about it, the bullying will continue.
Children who bully
There are many reasons. Children who bully may:
- pick on just anyone, or choose their victim
- find that bullying pays (get what they want or get admired by others)
- be aggressive and impulsive
- enjoy feeling powerful over others
- not be affected by the distress of the victim
- believe that some kinds of people deserve to be bullied
- see it as fun
- have been influenced by aggressive ‘models’ (in real life and/or in movies/or on TV)
- often have a violent family background
- see their behaviour as ‘pay-back’ for some unfair treatment
- be or have been victims themselves.
Children who bully are more likely to grow up to bully their partners and their own children.
Children who are bullied
Any child can get bullied just by being in the wrong place at the worng time. Sometimes children who are popular, smarter or attractive can be victims of bullying but bullies may pick on children who seem easy to hurt. Children can be picked on who:
- look different or are different, come from a different culture or different religion
- are stressed, either at home or at school
- have a disability
- struggle with schoolwork
- are not good at sport
- lack social confidence
- are anxious
- are unable to hold their own because of being smaller or weaker or younger.
Occasionally children provoke other children to bully them by teasing first.
Being bullied is very distressing for the victim and needs to be dealt with.
Signs of being bullied
Children who are being bullied may not always tell adults. They may be afraid or ashamed. They may think it is their fault. They may think it is ‘dobbing’. They may have been threatened with something worse if they tell.
Some signs of being bullied may be:
- not wanting to go to school
- finding excuses for not going to school, eg feeling sick or being sick
- wanting to go to school a different way, eg changing the route, or being driven instead of catching a bus
- being very tense, tearful and unhappy before or after school
- talking about hating school or other children
- showing bruises or scratches
- damage to or loss of personal belongings
- showing problems with sleeping, eg not sleeping, nightmares, bedwetting
- not having any friends
- refusing to talk about what happens at school.
These signs may not necessarily mean your child is being bullied, but you need to check out what is worrying your child.
The effects of bullying
Being bullied can damage lives. The effects of ongoing bullying can be long-term, with the harm to the health and well-being of the bullied person lasting into adult life. It damages self-esteem, increases anxiety and can cause serious depression. Bullies are more likely to continue with the aggressive behaviour and engage in delinquency and violence.
Bullying can make children feel afraid, petrified, lonely, angry, distressed or physically ill. Children who are always 'on guard' are always checking where the bully is and wondering when it will happen again. When children are ‘on alert’ like this, they are less likely to concentrate or to learn. Their friendships may suffer as they are often worried and not ready to have fun.
Children may begin to feel they deserve the treatment and become withdrawn, isolated, and feel less able to fit into their world.
What parents' can do
- Listen to your child and take seriously her feelings and fears.
- Children need to release painful, negative feelings to have the energy to deal with bullying. Talking about these feelings can help them get back a sense of power.
- Help her work out why she is being bullied. This also gives back some powerfulness.
- Try not to take everything into your own hands, unless it is an emergency, because this is likely to make your child feel less in control. In extreme cases action must be taken without your child’s approval.
- Help your child to work out what ideas she has about coping with the problem.
- Write them down. Include a few of your own to get started.
- Then talk with her about which ones might help or not help and why.
- Choose an idea that she would like to try and then practice what to do when she is bullied.
- Help her to check out how it works.
- Don’t call your child names, eg. "weak" or "a sook" and don’t let anyone else do so.
- If the bullying is verbal teasing you may be able to help your child to learn to ignore it, so the child who is doing it does not get any satisfaction out of it.
- You could practise at home ways to help your child gain confidence, eg the way to walk past with her head up.
- Help your child think of ways to avoid the situation, eg. by going a different way home, or staying with a group (your child needs to feel safe, but should not have to change her life to avoid being bullied).
- Some children are helped by imagining a special wall around them to protect them from the hard words that will bounce off.
- Work on improving your child’s confidence by concentrating on the things she can do well.
- Find out about 'assertiveness training' which may be useful. When victims can solve the problem unaided there is a great rise in self-esteem.
- If your child has been traumatised she may need professional help.
- Most importantly, if the bullying is happening at school, contact your school.
Be very careful that your child does not feel that being bullied is her fault. It is the bully who needs to change and stop her behaviour, not the child who is being bullied. Do not bully the bully.
Talking to the school
When bullying happens at school you will need to talk to the school about it. Most schools in South Australia have policies that deal with bullying.
- Make a list of the things that have happened to your child. Be clear and be firm about his suffering. Be prepared to name the children who bully. If bullying persists, write down WHO, WHAT, WHERE and WHEN.
- Talk to the Principal about the school’s way of dealing with bullying and what steps the school will take to prevent it happening again to your child.
- Talk to the teacher about what can be done to help your child.
- Keep in contact until the problem is sorted out.
- If you find it difficult to talk about this with the school, take another adult with you.
- It is important to get professional support if:
- this is an ongoing problem rather than an occasional one for your child
- it happens to your child a lot, in different situations and with different children. Research has shown that one in six Australian students are bullied every week, and that those children are three times more likely to develop depressive illnesses.
- This type of harassment is becoming wide spread.
- Children might be sent frightening SMS or e-mails.
- While the sender might be known, these messages can be sent anonymously which is very scary to children and their families.
- Be careful who knows phone numbers and e-mail addresses.
- If this is happening at school, notify the school principal or IT manager.
- Contact your phone and e-mail providers to see what can be done to prevent calls.
- Changing phone numbers and e-mail addresses may help.
For more information have a look at 'Cyberbullying'.
Reminders
- Let your child know that bullying is wrong.
- Take your child's fears and feelings seriously.
- Reassure your child that being bullied is not his fault, and that something can be done about it.
- Let your child know that he is not the only one who is bullied. It happens to lots of children but it should be stopped.
- Help your child as far as possible to work out his own ways of dealing with the problem.
- Protect your child - involve the school or club or wherever it is happening. Don't give up until it stops.
- Help your child to feel good about the other things in his life
Resources
South Australia
Child and Youth Health - Parent Helpline - 1300 364 100
Child and Youth Health - Youth Healthline - 1300 13 17 19
'Bullying in schools and what to do about it.'
http://www.education.unisa.edu.au/bullying/
Child & Adolescent Psychological & Education Resources (for information on stress)
http://www.caper.com.au
Australia
Kids Helpline - 1800 55 1800
www.kidshelp.com.au
Bullying - no way (Australian educational communities) 'Cyber bullying'
Books for parents and children
There are many books written about bullying. Talk with your local librarian, or your school librarian. It can be very useful for younger children to have a book that you can read to them many times.
Rigby K 'Bullying in schools and what to do about it' University of South Australia http://www.education.unisa.edu.au/bullying/
Child Development Foundation 'Helping a bullied child'
http://www.reachingcdf.org.nz/main/facts/bullied_child.htm
Written in partnership
Child and Youth Health - Parenting SA
Related Parent Easy Guide (Parenting SA website - PDF format)
References
Olweus D. 'Annotation: Bullying at School: basic facts and effects of a school based intervention program'. Journal of Child Psychology, Vol 35, No.7, October 1994, pp 1171-1190.
Slee P, and Rigby K. 'Peer victimisation at school'. AECA Australian Journal of Early Childhood, Vol 19, No.1, March 1994, pp 3-10.
Pearce, John and Thompson, Anne. 'Practical approaches to reduce the impact of bullying'. Arch Dis Child 1998; 79: 528-31.
Wylie, Mary Sykes. 'Teaching kids to care'. Family Therapy Networker, Sept/Oct 2000.
Weinhold, Barry. 'Uncovering the hidden causes of bullying and school violence'. Counselling and human development, 32(6), Feb 2000.
Linke P. 'Let's stop bullying'. Early Childhood Australia
http://www.earlychildhoodaustralia.org.au/ecapub24.htm
The information on this site should not be used as an alternative to professional care. If you have a particular problem, see a doctor, or ring the Parent Helpline on 1300 364 100 (local call cost from anywhere in South Australia).
This topic may use 'he' and 'she' in turn - please change to suit your
child's sex.