Self-esteem for children
self; esteem; conceit; boastfulness; confidence; friends; stress; listening; contribute; achievement; success; problems; encourage; mistakes; emotions; behaviour;
Self-esteem enables children to try new things without too much fear of failing, to reach out and make friends, and to manage problems they are likely to meet along the way. Self-esteem builds a solid foundation for coping with life.
Healthy self-esteem is feeling good about yourself, and feeling that you are a worthwhile person. While we all have self-doubts at times, it is important for children to feel okay about themselves most of the time.
What is self-esteem?
Self-esteem is about valuing who you are. It is about self-respect and liking yourself. It is not conceit or boastfulness, but about believing in yourself and what you can do in the world.
Self-esteem is how you feel about yourself as a person and knowing that there are things that you can do well – it is about being and about doing.
Children are not born with self-esteem. It is learned through how parents and other important people feel about them, and treat them.
Part of self-esteem is feeling that you have a place in the world where you belong – that you are part of a family where you matter. It is knowing about your roots and having confidence in your future. This can be a problem for children who have come from other countries and lost touch with their 'roots'. It can also be a problem for children who have been part of a family break-up, if they are split off from part of their family and the history of that part of the family.
Self-esteem is about what matters to you. If you want to be good at sport but everyone tells you that you are good at art, it will not help your self-esteem very much. If you get encouragement and help in something you want to do, and you succeed, your self-esteem will grow.
Why is self-esteem important?
There is in every culture a basic level of self-esteem that is needed in our family or culture.
- Self-esteem helps people to feel that they can develop their own skills and contribute to their community.
- It gives you the confidence to have a go at something new, and helps you build resilience to overcome setbacks.
- Research suggests that when people have low self-esteem they don't feel confident about doing things for themselves or using their abilities and talents in the best way they can.
- Low self-esteem is also likely to be linked to worse health outcomes such as stress, coronary heart disease and an increase in anti-social behaviours.
- It is important to help develop children's self-esteem from the time they are born to give them a good foundation for health later in adult life. Children of all cultures need to have a place in the family and need to know they are loved because of the special people they are.
It is important to recognise that some people in some cultures believe that feeling good about your group or community is important, while feeling good about yourself as an individual is not as valued. In some cultures, it is common practice for parents not to praise their child for fear it will create a self-satisfaction that will prevent the child from trying harder.
In some cultures praise is also avoided to prevent a child from becoming 'boastful'. However, having personal confidence and self-esteem does not mean giving up these cultural values, but it can add to them. Children when they feel good usually try harder than those who don't.
How self-esteem is developed
Very young babies don't have a sense of themselves as being separate human beings so they don't really have self-esteem as such. They gradually learn that they are loved and lovable because people care for them gently, look after them when they cry, talk and read to them, and smile at them consistently. When this happens it says to the baby – 'You matter in the world'.
As babies grow to become toddlers they still don't have a complete understanding about themselves. For example, if a one year old is standing on the end of a rope that she is trying to pull, she may not move her feet off the rope. This is because she doesn't yet realise that both the feet and the hands belong to her. One year olds still don't understand that all of their body and mind belong to them. Every time they learn a new skill they add to their sense of being able to do things and learning who they are.
When they say 'No' they are really saying 'I am a separate person and this is very exciting and important for me. I can practise this by saying 'No' even if I do want the ice cream that you are giving me'.
Toddlers need to try things for themselves. They may need lots of practice in different contexts so they can learn how to succeed. This builds their self-esteem.
Toddlers learn about themselves by learning what they look like, what they can do and where they belong. They find it very difficult to share because they are just learning who they are and what is theirs.
Toddlers see themselves through their parents' eyes. If their parents see them as special and lovable and show them and tell them this often, they will develop self-esteem. If they keep getting messages that they are not lovable or they are a nuisance, they will not so easily develop self-esteem.
By about three years of age children have learned that their bodies and minds are their own. They can manage time away from their parents or main caregivers because they have an inner sense of feeling safe. Their self-esteem develops in fairly physical ways, by comparing themselves with others, e.g. who is the tallest, who is the fastest.
Primary school years
Children starting school have to cope in a strange new situation with lots of other new children and new rules to learn. Self-esteem in the primary school years is about how well children manage the learning tasks of the school, how they do at sport, how they look and how they can make friends with other children. Stresses at home like parents fighting with each other, problems at school such as having trouble with schoolwork, being bullied or not having friends can affect children's self-esteem.
Young people's self-esteem can be affected by their physical and hormone changes, and most importantly by how they look or how they think they look.
Young people who have a goal in life often have high self-esteem, as do those whose families support them.
Belonging to a group of friends is also very important to a young person's self-esteem. This is why they seem so attached to the telephone and want to do whatever their friends are doing.
What parents can do
Almost all parents worry about their child's self-esteem at times. Here are some things you can do to help build their self-esteem. There is more in the topic 'Self-esteem for teens'.
- Talk to your baby as you are going about your chores. See the world from her eyes and show delight in what interests her.
- Tell your child that you love her and let her see that you are glad she is who she is. Do this at odd moments not just when she has pleased you.
- Show your child that you love her by spending time with her, and doing some of the things she likes to do.
- With young children this may be playing their games, e.g. having tea parties, dressing up.
- Go to young children who are playing nicely on their own before they seek you out. This shows you care about them.
- Show respect by talking in a way that you appreciate being spoken to. Listen in a way that shows you take seriously what your child has to say. This does not necessarily mean you agree with her point of view.
- Encourage friendships. Make her friends welcome in your home and get to know them.
- Support her schoolwork – take interest without taking over.
- Support school working bees or tuck shop if you can.
- If she needs extra help with schoolwork try to provide this, but don't make her go over and over what she is not good at. Children need to also practise and enjoy what they are good at to feel successful.
- Talk with the teacher. A good relationship between school and home is very important.
- Help your child to explore any hobbies that she is interested in.
- Help your child feel that she is needed in your family.
- Within reason for your child's age, ask and expect some help with the family chores such as feeding pets, setting the table, cleaning the car etc. This is not just about cleaning up her own mess but about doing her part for the family.
- Let your child assist you with something, e.g. teenagers may be better than you at using the computer or mobile phones.
- Involve them in the wider family activities. Help them to know their relatives and about your family and its history, so they have a sense of belonging.
- Take photos of your child so she has a sense of herself growing up and being loved by you. Children and teenagers love going through photos and re-living memories.
- Keep little family rituals, e.g. story at bedtime, the way you say goodbye and the other ways of doing things that are special to your family.
- Celebrate your child's achievements and successes.
- Keep special mementos of their successes and important milestones in their lives.
- When you play games with your primary school age child, make sure that she has opportunities to win. If she wins sometimes, it's easier to learn to be a good loser.
- Show your child that you have faith in her. Don't solve all her problems. Help her learn problem-solving skills and learn to feel that she can manage many things for herself.
- Teach children personal safety.
- They need to be able to say 'no' to protect themselves in an unpleasant situation including their on-line safety.
- Teach them to trust their feelings, and recognise that they don't have to keep secrets which frighten or hurt them.
- If children have had a lot of changes, such as coming from another country, parents separating, or moving house a lot, try to keep them in touch with their roots as much as you can.
- Keep a diary with pictures of where they have been.
- Let them know about their family history.
- Try to keep them in touch with both sides of the family if possible.
- Adopted children can have two sets of roots.
- Teenagers especially are often interested in finding out about their early childhood as part of working out who they are.
- Ignoring children and not taking an interest in them.
- Constantly nagging.
- Messages that say you do not like your child, eg. 'I love you but I don't like you'.
- 'You are...' messages that say something bad about them as people, eg. 'You are ... lazy, untidy, naughty, a nuisance, a bully, shy, a sook...'
- Comparing them with others, especially brothers and sisters that suggests they are not as good.
- Giving messages that life would be better without them, e.g.' If it weren't for the children we could have a good holiday' or 'I wish you hadn't been born'.
- Threatening to leave them or give them away if they do not do as you wish.
- Frowning or sighing when they want to talk to you or ask you for something that suggests it's too much effort for you to give them your time.
Today young people can be more easily influenced by what they see in the media than ever before.Young girls, in particular, get many messages about how they should look and behave. Click here for some tips from the Australian Psychological Society on how you can help your children to develop a positive self image.
Special tips for parents
It is important to look after your own self-esteem too. It is part of good parenting to let your children see that you feel good about yourself.
- Take time out for yourself regularly. Do some things you really enjoy or feel proud of. For example take a bubble bath, join a team or club, read a book, go for a walk or run, go to a movie, learn something new.
- Spend some time with friends who support you and help you to feel good.
- If you have a partner make sure that you spend time together.
- If your children are growing up, start thinking about new interests you might like to take up or old ones you enjoy that you haven't had time for.
- Self-esteem is very important for everyone
- Children are not born with self-esteem
- Young children learn self-esteem through what they can do and through what their parents think of them.
- 'Put down' messages really damage self-esteem.
- 'Doing' messages such as giving time, hugs and smiles are very important in building self-esteem.
- Laugh with your children – not at them.
- Keep giving sincere messages that build self-esteem to your teenagers, even if they say they don't believe you. These messages matter.
- Self-esteem is learned and can be changed.
- Take care of your own self-esteem.
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Written in partnership
Child and Youth Health - Parenting SA
Related Parent Easy Guide -
(Parenting SA web site - PDF format)
The information on this site should not be used as an alternative to professional care. If you have a particular problem, see a doctor, or ring the Parent Helpline on 1300 364 100 (local call cost from anywhere in South Australia).
This topic may use 'he' and 'she' in turn - please change to suit your child's sex.