Toddlers - tips for toddler troubles
Child; toddler; discipline; cling; grizzle; tantrum; aggression; whine; whinge ;
Contents
Children between one and three years of age are generally enthusiastic and energetic. Sometimes, however, their behaviour can be difficult to manage. Understanding the very big changes that take place in children of this age and working around them can help reduce troubles.
Toddler development
Doing what comes naturally!
This is a time when toddlers become more independent. They are now little people with their own way of doing things. They find out that they can make things happen by what they do and what they say. They touch, explore, run away. They like doing things their way and doing things for themselves. They say "No", "I won't", "Give me" and "Me do". They are learning that they are separate people and part of learning this is to try it out by saying "No".
"She seems to be doing it deliberately"
To many parents it seems as if their toddler sometimes thinks "Now what can I do to upset them?" However it is more a case of toddlers being very self centred - they are just learning who they are and they think of things from their own point of view. They are usually not aware of what their parents are feeling or wanting.
They seem to know what they should or should not do, but have great difficulty controlling themselves, so it seems as if toddlers believe "If it feels good do it... and again and again". At other times they can get so out of control that they keep on and on at something even though it may be very distressing for them. Reasoning or explaining why they should not do something is of little use, because although they hear what you say they haven't got enough self control yet to make themselves obey.
Ideas that can help
The toddler's need for independence combined with such little self control almost guarantees problems. Here are some well tried ideas.
Child proof the environment
Put away valuables and dangerous objects. Make sure your toddler has interesting things to do.
Divert and distract
"Look at this". Use games - "I'll race you to the bath", "let's hop like kangaroos to the table". A bath, music, story or rocker can help when children are tired.
Give attention
During times of change and stress children need extra attention, love and security. Allow them their cuddly toys, dummies etc. If possible prepare them in advance for change a little at a time. Explain or show what the change may mean.
Reassure about separation
Toddlers often cry or scream when left with someone else because they are frightened of being separated from their parents. When leaving children say goodbye and reassure them that you will come back. See 'Separation anxiety' for more ideas.
Tantrums
Tantrums are usually of two general types:
- Overload/over-tiredness. Too much is happening and the toddler just can't cope with it all.
- Demanding attention/frustration. Here the child wants to have something or do something the parent does not want him to have or do.
Two ways of handling a tantrum are:
- Hold the child from behind. When the tantrum finishes the toddler can relax safely into your arms. This is particularly suitable for a tired toddler.
- Stay near but do not pay attention to the tantrum except to say "I won't give you what you want. When you finish we can have a cuddle and you can tell me about it".
Toddlers can be frightened by their tantrums. They need to know that an adult is there in control who will accept and love them when it is over.
Children are more likely to have tantrums when they are bored, tired, hungry, unwell or overwhelmed by events. See 'Tantrums' for more information.
Aggression
Some aggression is normal and healthy. However there are children who are often angry, who hit, bite, kick or punch for no obvious reason. They need extra consideration.
- Teach them to be aware of their feelings and express them in words. "I know you are cross with your little brother. Instead of hitting him can you say to me ''I feel cross with him because...?"
- Encourage
active and expressive play. Hammering, play dough, water play, sand play, painting, cutting and tearing paper etc
- Closely monitor
their play with other children. Set limits. Let them know it's not OK to hurt others. Children feel more secure if they know someone is there who can control their angry behaviour.
- Reward co-operative and non-aggressive behaviour with a hug.
- Smacking and yelling often make children fearful or angry and can keep the behaviour going.
Clinging and grizzling
All toddlers cling and grizzle to some extent.
A toddler who is clinging, whining and very demanding may be showing a need for more attention and security.
- It is sometimes a sign that a child has been expected to separate too early.
- Unfortunately although they need security and support they often may make you feel angry and want to push them away.
- This makes them more insecure and they may cling more.
Let children know that they can ask you for a cuddle when they want one. Try not to push them away.
When they are playing by themselves make sure that you notice and give a hug or some attention. With reassurance of love and security they are more likely to play alone for longer periods of time.
If children whinge you can ignore it or ask them to say it again with a smile.
Ongoing problems
Think about:
- have there been any family changes that might be upsetting your toddler? Two common ones are having a new baby and parents fighting
- when does the problem happen? Is there something you could do to change things at that time of day eg have dinner or bath earlier?
- is your toddler getting lots of positive attention from you? Sometimes things can get into a negative cycle where the only thing you seem to be saying to your toddler is "No!"
Remember - when children behave worst it is usually because they need more affection - and what they usually get is less affection.
- Try to turn this around.
- Give your toddler some special time with you every day.
If your toddler's behaviour is becoming very difficult for you to manage and/or if you are worried it is important to get some professional help. Getting things on the right track when children are young is much easier than trying to solve problems later on. In South Australia you could call the Parent Helpline 1300 364 100
Take time for you
Being a parent of a toddler takes lots of time and energy. Make sure you have some time for yourself to do something you enjoy. For this you may have to leave your toddler with someone else for a while. We all need to recharge our batteries regularly - it helps us keep going.
Resources
South Australia
- Children, Youth and Women's Health Service Parent Helpline 1300 364 100
- Your local Child and Family Health Centres (Ring 1300 733 606 for an appointment).
- Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service:
- Northern Region
c/- Women's & Children's Hospital, 72 King William Rd, North Adelaide 5006
- Southern Region
c/- Flinders Medical Centre, Bedford Park 5042
- Your local community health centre
Books for parents
- Bowler, P and Linke, P. 'Your Child from One to Ten'. Vic: ACER, 1996.
- Brazelton, TB. 'Touchpoints'. Australia: Doubleday, 2006.
- Crary, E. 'Without Spanking or Spoiling'. Parenting Press, 1993.
- Kurcinka, MS. 'Raising your spirited child: a guide for parents whose child is more intense, sensitive, perceptive, persistent, energetic'. US: HarperCollins, 1998.
References and further reading
Campbell, S. 'Behavior problems in preschool children: a review of recent research'. J Child Psychology & Psychiatry, 36 (1) 1995.
Honig, AS. 'Helping children become more prosocial'. Young Children, 51(2) Jan 1995 p62-70.
Lieberman, A. 'The emotional life of the toddler', US: Free Press, 1993.
Kelley S et al. 'Mastery motivation and self-evaluative affect in toddlers: longitudinal relations with maternal behavior'. Child Development 71 (4) 1061-71.
The information on this site should not be used as an alternative to professional care. If you have a particular problem, see a doctor, or ring the Parent Helpline on 1300 364 100 (local call cost from anywhere in South Australia).
This topic may use 'he' and 'she' in turn - please change to suit your
child's sex.