Discipline - what is discipline?
discipline; punishment; consequences; behaviour; misbehaviour; rules; law; time-in; time-out; teach; teaching; attention; problems; feelings ;
Contents
Children need discipline, limits and guidance. They need to feel safe and secure while learning to get along with others and learning to live in society. The best discipline leads to children learning self-discipline.
People often confuse discipline' with 'physical punishment', but they really are quite different. Discipline is about teaching. It is not necessary to physically punish children in order to teach them what they need to know. Unfortunately many adults don't always know what to do and tend to treat children the way they were treated.
The purpose of discipline is to guide children to choose what is right through teaching and learning rather than forcing. For most parents the question is how best to achieve this.
For more information, see the topics
Discipline – how parents can discipline children
Discipline for different ages
Toddlers – tips for toddler troubles
Discipline (teens)
What is discipline?
Discipline is about teaching and learning and it can be done in many different ways.
- Discipline is about teaching your child what to do, and setting clear limits about what not to do that your child can understand.
- As parents we discipline our children when they are able to understand what we want to teach them, so that they will learn how to discipline themselves.
- We need to gradually use fewer limits as our children are able to make responsible decisions for themselves.
- Discipline is about understanding the rules (of home, school and community) and understanding what happens when the rules are broken (consequences). It's about learning to be responsible.
- Discipline, which builds on your child's wish to please you, is more likely to produce a well-behaved, contented child and a less stressed parent.
- Discipline should be positive and used to encourage good behaviour, as well as to stop behaviour that you don't want your child to be doing.
Why children do the wrong thing- misbehaviour
- Misbehaviour happens for two main reasons:
- because the child hasn't yet learnt how to do what is expected
- because it is the way the child is expressing his feelings.
- For example, your three year old may pull up your favourite plant because he has seen you weeding and he is trying to be like you. In this case it is an opportunity to teach other very simple ways he can help you in the garden.
- On the other hand he may pull up your favourite plant because he is hurt and angry that you are busy with your work and haven't been attending to him. In this case, he is too young to be able to tell you how he feels with words so he tells you with his behaviour - sometimes called 'acting out'.
Children can have a range of feelings in a short space of time. They might find it hard to understand what they are feeling. The younger the child is, the harder it is for them to know what their feelings are.
- Many children do not have the words to express their feelings. If their emotions are strong (frustration and anger) and they think that you will not approve they may feel afraid. Children's feelings affect what they do.
- If you are reasonable in what you expect of your children and teach them clearly and kindly what you want, they are more likely to be cooperative. If you try to work out the feeling beneath your children's behaviour you are more likely to find out why they misbehave.
- The way you talk to your child can make a difference as to whether or not he will do as he is told.
- Children will learn more by what they see you doing and how you live your life than by what you tell them.
Why is my child behaving this way?
Think about what is happening in your child's world and try to deal with the cause. It may be that:
- his parents' lives are so busy that he feels left out. He misbehaves to get your attention because angry attention is better than no attention
- something is going very wrong for your child, eg. new baby, problems at school, difficulty in making friends in a new area, scared by parents' arguments, family break-up
- he is trying to cope with changes and feels overwhelmed
- he is angry and frustrated by something you've done
- he feels unfairly treated by you and wants to get back at you
- your parenting style is too strict or very lax
- your child may be needing more independence than you have allowed.
What is my child feeling?
- You can try to find out what your child is feeling when she misbehaves by watching and thinking about the behaviour and then talking about it. You might say:
- "You seem very angry. Can you tell me what's wrong?" or,
- "I think you must be hurting inside" or
- "Tell me if you need a hug"
- If your child has difficulty talking about feelings it may be helpful to talk about the situation as if it was someone else. You might say:
- "When I first started school I felt scared"
- "Lots of children feel sad when they don't win."
- With very young children or those unable to talk, you have a more difficult task.
- Try to discover feelings by watching for facial expressions, learning to know their different cries and thinking about where they were and what was just happening.
Reminders
- Children need discipline.
- Discipline is about teaching and learning.
- Discipline works best when you have a good relationship with your child.
- Plan to prevent problems when you can.
- Discipline includes rules and consequences. Decide on a discipline plan ahead of problems.
- Don't make consequences so long or harsh that they lose their meaning.
- You can discipline without using physical punishment.
- Talk to other parents about their rules.
- Spend energy on the really important things and learn to overlook minor irritations.
- Think about what you expect - is it reasonable?
- Few parents enjoy being in the company of angry, frustrated, crying children. Think about what you can do differently.
For more information, see the topics
Discipline – how parents can discipline children
Discipline for different ages
Toddlers – tips for toddler troubles
Discipline (teens)
Resources
South Australia
Written in partnership
Child and Youth Health - Parenting SA
The information on this site should not be used as an alternative to professional care. If you have a particular problem, see a doctor, or ring the Parent Helpline on 1300 364 100 (local call cost from anywhere in South Australia).
This topic may use 'he' and 'she' in turn - please change to suit your child's sex.