Peer groups and peer pressure
peer; peers; groups; pressure; teenagers; teens;
Contents
Peer groups are groups of friends of about the same age. Having a group of friends is one of the most important parts of being a teenager. It is how they learn how to get on in the world and gradually become independent.
It is important for parents to understand the value of peer groups for young people. Peer groups can be a very positive influence on your teenager’s life. On the other hand, they may influence in a way that is undesirable.
Teenagers can feel under enormous pressure to fit in and behave like their peer group. This is a challenge for them and for parents too!
What peer groups can do for your teenager
Peer groups provide:
- a sense of belonging and feeling valued
- an increased self confidence because they are accepted by the group
- a sense of security and of being understood by others who are going through the same experiences
- a safe place to test values and ideas
- help in becoming independent
- practice in getting along with the opposite sex
- ways to meet new people
- friendships
- practice in learning to give and take
- influence on making decisions about their life.
Peer groups and parents
Problems that peer groups may present to parents.
- Long hours on the telephone, even though they have just seen each other all day at school. Teenagers need to spend lots of time together.
- Long periods on the Internet behind ‘closed doors’
- Your house can seem to be overrun with young people. If they are at your house it says that they feel comfortable with you and you can keep an eye on them.
- Some of their friends may do things that are outside your house rules. They may:
- smoke, use drugs, swear or play loud music
- eat food from the fridge or biscuit tin
- apply pressure to drink parents' alcohol
- want to watch banned videos
- want to have sexual activities in your home
- mess up the place and then leave.
What parents can do
- Some parents limit the time of day that their teenagers can have long phone calls. Others arrange ‘call waiting’ on their phone, so that if a call for them comes in, it can be taken. Keep in mind the needs of your teenager and work out what is the best solution for your family.
- If you have allowed your teenager to have a mobile phone you must realise that it is very difficult to control the amount of time spent on the phone with friends. You could have an agreement that mobile phones are turned off at home between certain hours or ‘handed over’ at home.
- There are advantages when your teenagers’ friends hang around at your house, so you may need to set some house rules. Making a joke about it can take the sting out of your rules, eg having smoking and non-smoking zones.
- Sometimes you can rearrange the use of your rooms so that there is a space for teenagers, and a space for parents and any younger children in the family. This gives the teenagers some privacy that they will be grateful for and protects your sanity.
- Keep plenty of low cost food, such as bread, cereal, cheese and fruit (in season if available). If necessary label what is to be kept for family meals and what is available for snacks.
- Be clear about what DVDs are allowed to be watched at your home and why. Teenagers get a thrill out of watching ‘scary’ videos in a group, so allow some flexibility.
- Be clear about the family rules for using the computer.
- If there is pressure on your teenagers to raid your alcohol when friends visit, make the rules clear. If necessary lock it away.
- Talk with your teenagers and your partner/spouse about your views on sexual activities and what you are willing to allow in your home. You will need to account for the age of your teenagers, the nature of the relationship, where else they would very likely go if they were not at home, and of course your own values. (Remember the law says the age of consent in South Australia is 17 years.)
Other peer group problems
You may not be comfortable about your son’s or daughter’s choice of peer group. This may be because of their behaviour or because of some more serious risk, eg that the peer group are into using alcohol or drugs, skipping school, shoplifting or vandalising property. This can be a difficult time for everyone and there are no easy solutions, especially if your teenager is determined to stay with the group.
What parents can do
Remember that teenagers are often sensitive and a bit ‘prickly’ about their choice of friends. If you criticise their friends, you are almost certain to lose some of your influence. Rather than put them off the friends it may have the opposite effect. Criticising their choice of friends is like attacking teenagers personally.
- Keep the communication open. Be willing to listen. Find out why those friends are important to your teenager.
- Check whether your concerns about their friends are real. While you might feel very uneasy about them, sometimes it is better not to spend energy worrying about some things like hairstyle, clothing, where they wear their earrings and what music they enjoy.
- If you believe that your concerns are serious, talk to your teenager about the behaviour not the friends.
- Encourage your teenager to trust her own sense of what is right. Discuss with her ways of saying “No”.
- Let your teenager know what your concerns are and talk to her about how she will cope if she is pressured to make risky choices.
- Talk with your teenager about the consequences of any behaviour that is worrying you. Look at both the immediate consequences and how this will affect her future, eg getting into trouble with the police.
- If you can, encourage opportunities for her to mix with other young people, eg through sporting or other group activities, but don’t pressure her if she is not interested.
- Support your teenager’s self-esteem by talking with her about the exciting and promising possibilities for the future.
- Sometimes a young person who seems an unsuitable friend wants to be friends with your child, possibly because your home feels safe and secure. You may be able to offer friendship and support, but if you are really uncomfortable about the friend’s behaviour you need to talk to your teenager about it. You are not likely to be able to break up the friendship if it is strong.
- Show your teenager that you trust her. If she breaks your trust ask her to suggest ways to earn it again. Mistakes are to learn from.
- Talk to a professional if you feel unable to change a serious situation.
Reminders
- Get to know your teenager’s friends and make them feel welcome in your home.
- Keep communicating. Listen to your teenager’s point of view and ask him to listen to yours.
- Let him know that you are there to support him, whatever happens.
- Remember that we are all in peer groups. It would be difficult, even for adults who have much more confidence than teenagers, to go against the peer group, eg to wear a bikini to work.
Resources
South Australia
Child and Youth Health Parent Helpline 1300 364 100
Written in partnership
Child and Youth Health - Parenting SA
Related Parent Easy Guide - (Parenting SA web site - PDF format)
The information on this site should not be used as an alternative to professional care. If you have a particular problem, see a doctor, or ring the Parent Helpline on 1300 364 100 (local call cost from anywhere in South Australia).
This topic may use 'he' and 'she' in turn - please change to suit your
child's sex.